


Quiet When I'm Comin' Home

by Liz47



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Parent-Child Relationship, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:55:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 30,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24185506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liz47/pseuds/Liz47
Summary: Lorelai learns that she's pregnant after walking away from Luke in Partings. Struggling to control her mounting anxiety, she must decide whether they can heal their relationship or if things are truly damaged beyond repair. Takes place immediately after the end of season 6, except Lorelai never went to Christopher. Story will also explore Lorelai's relationship with her parents.
Relationships: Luke Danes/Lorelai Gilmore
Comments: 16
Kudos: 99





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes:  
> -Story incorporates everything through Season 6 until Lorelai walks away from Luke (i.e., she never went to see Christopher).   
> -I apologize in advance if I get any of the medical stuff that I got wrong.   
> -Chapters will include suggested mood music. This isn’t a song fic, but I found listening to certain music to be really helpful when writing this.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Suggested Listening: One by Aimee Mann

Things really couldn’t get much worse than this. At least, that’s what Lorelai tried to tell herself in the days after her break up with Luke. 

Two weeks later, as she sat on the cold floor of her bathroom, staring blankly at the four pregnancy tests sitting in front of her, she almost laughed at the ridiculousness of that thought—because this was almost certainly worse. This was rock bottom.

But it wasn’t—and it took less than five minutes to realize it.

Because the numbness that she had been sheltering behind started to crumble, and she allowed herself to feel the loss for the first time. And then, she realized that she was alone and pregnant—again. That thought brought on a sharp punch to her chest that continued to build until it felt like an elephant had stopped to relax on top of her lungs. She broke into a sweat and felt her heart begin to race. Then, suddenly, it felt like her throat was closing up—like she just wasn’t capable of taking in air. 

Sitting on the edge of her bed, she focused her eyes on the steady tic of her alarm clock trying desperately to even her breathing. After exactly seven and a half minutes of watching the second hand move steadily on its axis, and forcing her mind to think of nothing but the ticking of the clock, she felt her heart slow and her breathing begin to regulate. Feeling cold and shaken, like she’d just come off a roller coaster from hell, Lorelai once again told herself that it couldn’t get much worse than having a full blown panic attack because you’ve realized you’re pregnant and alone. That had to be rock bottom, right?

But then, she had another panic attack—five days later when Sookie asked her if she was feeling all right because she’d refused coffee for the fifth day in a row. 

And then she had another one—six days after that when she was walking to Luke’s trying to work up the nerve to tell him she was pregnant.

And another one—when the poor ultrasound technician pointed to an indiscernible blob on the screen and told her that it was her baby. As she clutched the edges of the exam table in her doctor’s small suite of offices, trying to pull air into her lungs, Lorelai could hear the technician trying to calm her in a soothing voice and telling her to just relax—like it was something you just do—like turning off a light switch. 

Realizing that she was once again struggling with the ability to simply breathe, Lorelai made a solemn vow to never again assume that she’d hit rock bottom. 

She was quickly learning there was always farther to fall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening: Darkest Light by Jono McCleery

**_ 8 Weeks _ **

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Cline asked, as she removed the blood pressure cuff from Lorelai’s arm, a look of concern covering her face.

“Fine, I guess. Maybe, a little embarrassed?” Lorelai responded with a hollow smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she spoke before smoothing the paper blanket that covered her lap. “I’m sure it’s not every day you get to see a patient have a massive freak out at their first appointment.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” the doctor assured her. “And I don’t want to disappoint you, but that’s certainly not the worst ‘freak out’ I’ve seen.”

“Oh, man, I’m not even special? If I’m going to embarrass myself, I at least want to be special about it. You know, so at least you get a good story out of the experience. Who’s got me beat?”

“I think that title has to go to the dad who fainted during the ultrasound appointment when I told him his wife was having triplets. Even after we got him up, I don’t think he formed a complete sentence for the rest of the appointment—just had this dazed look on his face and kept starting a sentence and then drifting off again,” she said with a smile.

“ _That_ is definitely a better story than this,” Lorelai laughed, but her smile quickly dropped as she saw the look of concern return to Dr. Cline’s face. “It’s bad, isn’t it? Whatever that was, it’s bad, right?”

“Well, it’s definitely not a good thing,” the doctor answered with a heaviness that made Lorelai’s heart clench. “Can I ask…is that the first time you’ve ever had a panic attack?”

“No,” she admitted. “It’s not. I had one that bad a few weeks ago, when I did the home test.”

“So, does that mean you’ve had others that weren’t that bad?” the doctor inquired gently.

Lorelai answered reluctantly, “I had two that were just the start of it, just the tightness in the chest and the feeling that I was about to start hyperventilating, but I calmed myself down before they got that bad.”

“Alright, well, that’s actually very good to hear. It means you’re already moving toward controlling them.”

“Control is definitely not the word I would use,” Lorelai replied dryly. “Are…do you think they’re going to keep happening?”

“Not necessarily,” Dr. Cline replied. “But since you’ve had four over the course of just a month, it does suggest that there might be something bigger going on. What triggered the more minor attacks?”

“One was because a friend of mine noticed that I’d stopped drinking coffee, and the other…happened when I tried to tell the father…about the baby.”

“I see,” Dr. Cline said gently. “Well, I can’t say for certain that you’re going to keep experiencing them, but I’m definitely concerned. Four panic attacks in a month is…not nothing, especially if they’ve all been triggered by something related to your pregnancy.”

“Is it…I mean…is it a problem? For me? Or…or the baby?” Lorelai asked worriedly.

“It’s a hard to say. What concerns me most at this point is your blood pressure. Are you experiencing an unusual amount of stress in your life?”

“That’s one way to put it,” Lorelai replied, playing with her hands. “I…was engaged, but…it’s over now, and…I didn’t find out I was pregnant until after that. So, I guess you could say it’s been a rough few weeks.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” Dr. Cline sympathized. “That might explain why your blood pressure’s so elevated. Typically, high blood pressure is more of a concern in a pregnancy over age thirty-five anyway, but, if you’re also experiencing panic attacks and additional stress, that has the potential to amplify the problem.”

“So, what does that mean?” she asked nervously. “What happens if I have high blood pressure?”

“It can lead to a number of complications— _none_ of which you need to be worried about right now. Instead, I’d rather focus on what we can do to help you get control over your anxiety, and, of course, help you manage your overall stress level.”

“I’m all ears,” Lorelai said, hoping that her voice wasn’t shaking too noticeably.

“I think it’s a good idea for you to have appointments with me a little more regularly than normal, so we can keep an eye on your blood pressure and make sure it’s not leading to any other problems. I’d also like to recommend you see a colleague of mine. Her name’s Casey Summers, and she’s a clinical social worker—a therapist—who consults with our practice.”

“Therapy?” Lorelai asked, clearly not thrilled with the idea. “Can’t you just give me a pill or something?”

“There are some things we can do on the medical side, but Casey would be able to help you work through whatever it is that’s bringing these attacks on in the first place. Frankly, that approach tends to be more effective in the long run to address this kind of anxiety, rather than medication—which aren’t ideal during pregnancy.”

When Lorelai said nothing, Dr. Cline continued, “It seems like you might be a bit skeptical, but I _really_ think she may be able to help. Would you be willing to give it a try?”

“Yeah,” Lorelai sighed in resignation, letting her hand absentmindedly settle over her stomach. “I can try.”

Lorelai left Dr. Cline’s in a daze. Entering her car, she absently put the key in the ignition before tossing her purse on the passenger seat. She sat behind the wheel for a moment, gathering her thoughts, before finally reaching to the small envelope the nurse had given her from her bag. As she pulled out the envelope’s contents—a printout of her ultrasound—she felt her vision blur slightly and quickly wiped her eyes.

There it was in black and white. She was going to have another kid. Logically, she’d known that since the home tests, but actually seeing it on the ultrasound forced her heart to accept it too.

As she started the car, trying not to let the enormity of the situation overwhelm her, she knew what she needed to do next.

She needed to tell her _other_ baby.


	3. Rory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening: The Great Escape by Patrick Watson

_ 8 Weeks _

“Mom!” Rory exclaimed in surprise when she opened her apartment door.

“Hi, hun,” Lorelai replied, attempting to smile.

“What are you doing here? Did we have plans this morning?” her daughter asked, scrunching her brow in confusion.

“No, I just . . . I needed to see you—to talk to you about something, actually. I probably should have called first,” Lorelai continued, her voice wavering.

“Mom, you know you don’t have to call before coming by,” Rory assured, ushering her mom inside and following her over to the sofa.

“I…I couldn’t remember if you had a final this morning. If you do, I can wait. I can stay here until you’re finished or something. I just…really need to talk to you,” Lorelai said with an anxious edge, which only served as fuel for Rory’s rapidly developing concern. Her mother looked exhausted and anxious—like she hadn’t slept well in days.

“No, I’m actually free and clear,” she replied. “So what’s going on?”

“Rory, I…I don’t even know where to start,” Lorelai exhaled, rubbing her forehead.

“Well, whatever it is, you can tell me. You know can tell me anything,” Rory answered, sensing correctly that her mom needed the reassurance.

“I know. It’s not you. I just…something’s happened. Something…big, and…I’ve been sitting with it for a few days now because I wasn’t sure if it was real. But now…I’m sure.”

“Mom…what is it? You’re…kind of starting to scaring me,” Rory admitted.

“I’m sorry, sweets. It’s just…you’re going to be the first person I tell that…actually matters, and, once I do, it’s going to be _really_ real. And, then—”

Rory cut her mom off by reaching over to clasp her hand. Lorelai responded with a soft smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“I’m here, mom. Whatever it is—you can tell me,” she said with conviction, hoping she was hiding her own panic well.

“Right,” Lorelai exhaled, her voice already watery. “So…Rory… _I’m pregnant_.”

“Oh,” her daughter answered after a beat, eyes wide and bewilderment in her voice. “That’s…that’s…oh.”

“Yeah,” Lorelai said dryly. “That pretty much sums it up.”

“Can I ask,” Rory began hesitantly. “You said you were sure? How sure did you mean, exactly?”

“Pretty sure—really as sure as you can get. I took one of those home tests. Actually, I took one and when that one was positive, I took three more. Then the ultrasound _really_ cleared up any doubts.”

“Yeah, that’s…pretty sure. So you’ve already been to the doctor? How long ago did you take the test?”

“About two weeks ago.”

“ _Two weeks_? You’ve been alone with this for two weeks? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Rory asked with concern.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to wait, I guess, until I knew for sure,” Lorelai sighed heavily, running her hand through her hair. “Or…maybe I just didn’t want to admit it until I had no other choice.”

“I wish you had told me. You didn’t have to have this hanging over you alone.” Rory replied in a sad, but knowing voice. “Are you…I mean I feel stupid even asking this, but…are you okay?”

“I…don’t know how to begin to answer that,” Lorelai answered, shaking her head in dismay.

“Is…there anything I can I do?” Rory asked.

“Go back in time, and remind me to use birth control?” she answered with a hollow laugh.

“Mom, I mean it,” Rory persisted. “What do you need?

“I…don’t know,” Lorelai sighed. “I don’t even know that it’s really sunk in completely. Part of it has—especially after that doctor’s visit—but I haven’t even really wrapped my mind around it all yet.”

“You said I’m the first person you’ve told?”

“I haven’t told him yet—if that’s what you’re asking,” Lorelai answered pointedly.

“It’ll be okay—you guys will work it out,” Rory mustered, not fully believing her own words.

“Hun, I _really_ can’t think about that right now,” Lorelai replied, shaking her head.

“Right—sorry.”

Softening at her daughter’s sheepish expression, Lorelai continued, “I haven’t told you much, but…things were…bad at the end. A lot has happened over the past few months. I meant it, when I said we were done, and this just…complicates everything.”

“It’ll be okay, mom.”

“Will it?” she said with an empty laugh.

“Of course it will,” Rory tried to assure her.

“It just…it wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Lorelai said absently. “I was supposed to get to be _happy_ this time.”

“Are you?” her daughter asked gently. “Happy, I mean?”

The question pulled Lorelai out of her thoughts as she considered her answer. “I think…somewhere underneath the blind panic and…heartbreak, part of me is—but it’s hard to really feel that right now.”

“Maybe you should just focus on that part—the part that wants to be happy,” Rory said tentatively.

“I wish I could,” Lorelai answered. “But it’s not that simple.”

“Well, let’s make it that simple,” her daughter pressed. “Even if it’s just for a few minutes—let’s just be happy.”

“Rory—”

“I’m serious, mom,” she insisted. “I know everything is screwed up right now, but…we both know that one day, you’re going to be happy about it—and not just a little, but _completely_ happy. So, let’s just forget about how complicated it is right now, and let’s just pretend you’re there now.

“Rory, I—”

“It might be stupid, and it might not help but…isn’t it worth a try? You _know_ you’re going to feel different about this later, and I just…I don’t want this to be how you remember this moment when do.”

Lorelai looked up at her daughter and, unable to refuse the encouraging look on Rory’s face, she simply nodded for her to continue.

“Okay,” Rory started. “So…let’s just start the whole conversation over. Just…tell me again.”

“Okay,” Lorelai answered softly. “Hun—I’m pregnant.”

“Really?” her daughter replied, trying to show real enthusiasm. “Mom, that’s…that’s _amazing_!”

Lorelai gave a soft chuckle at Rory’s words and her attempt to brighten the moment, which was enough of an endorsement for her daughter to continue.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to be a big sister.” Rory’s smile widened when Lorelai eyed her comment with skepticism.

“Ok, so maybe that’s not _entirely_ true,” she admitted bashfully. “ _But_ , that’s only because I never really thought about it. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve got to say, it sounds pretty appealing.”

“It does?” Lorelai said with one eyebrow raised as she sunk back into the sofa.

“Oh, yeah! I mean—it’s actually kind of perfect timing.”

“And how _on Earth_ do you figure that?” she replied, a hint of amusement creeping into her voice.

“Well, you know, I’m almost a college graduate.”

“I do know that,” Lorelai replied with a soft smile.

“So, I won’t have to deal with any of the terrible stuff people complain about when they have a younger sibling, like sharing your toys or having to _compromise_ over things. If you had another kid when I was little, I would have been burdened with all that, but now that I’m all grown-up, I’ll just get the good stuff.”

“The good stuff?”

“Oh, yeah—I’ll get to come hang out and get away with doing all the stuff you’re supposed to stop liking when you’re a grown-up and the stuff we get so much trouble for, like eating junk food and watching those kids movies that are so good they should really just be for adults. I’ll get to do all that stuff, and, instead of being judged everyone will say that I’m just being a good big sister. So, really, it’s actually kind of perfect.”

Lorelai felt her breath hitch at her daughter’s earnest attempt to ease the pain of reality. Feeling her vision blur, she reached over and pulled Rory into a deep hug. “Thank you, sweets,” she murmured into her daughter’s hair. “For trying.”

“Mom,” she whispered. “You have me. You know that, right? I know…it’s not the same, but…you do have me.”

“I know, hun,” Lorelai assured her. “I know.”

And in that moment, having Rory was enough.


	4. Luke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening:   
> Scene 2 – Terrible Love by Birdy  
> End of Chapter – Freight Train by Sara Jackson-Holman

_ 10 weeks _

“Hey, hun,” Lorelai greeted, balancing the phone between her ear and shoulder while she continued searching the closet floor for her other shoe. “I think this might be a record for the earliest call you’ve ever given me.”

Rory had been unusually attentive since Lorelai had told her about the pregnancy—calling frequently to make less than subtle inquires about her wellbeing. From anyone else, Lorelai would have found this kind of hovering annoying, and potentially stress inducing, but from Rory, it remained endearing.

“It’s not that early,” her daughter defended.

“Rory, never in the history of our relationship have you ever called me before eight in the morning.”

“I was up early because…sometimes I get up early, okay? And…and you said last night that you were going to get up early too so you could get to the inn before the staff meeting, so I just figured I’d check in.”

“Well, sure, because so much is bound to have changed between when we spoke nine hours ago and this morning.”

“Did you sleep at all?” Rory inquired, ignoring her mother’s sarcasm.

“A little,” she answered evasively.

“How much is a little?”

“Not enough,” Lorelai replied in frustration.

“You need to _sleep_.”

“I promise—I’m well aware of that, and, believe me, it’s not for lack of trying.”

“Maybe…it would help if you…” Rory started before cutting herself off.

Lorelai stopped getting dressed, sunk back onto her bed, and sighed, “I’m just not ready to tell him yet, Rory.”

“Maybe you’d be able to sleep better if you did though,” Rory said earnestly. “I can tell it’s weighing on you, and…it doesn’t really seem like something that’s going to get easier the longer you wait.”

“Rory,” she begged. “Can we please not do this? I’m going to tell him, all right? I just…need more time.”

“Okay,” she conceded. “I’m just worried about you.”

“I get that,” Lorelai said understandingly. “And I appreciate your concern, really, but I’m fine and I’ll tell him when I’m ready.”

“Alright,” her daughter replied skeptically.

“Rory, please,” Lorelai pleaded.

“I said alright!”

“You get that…it’s not that I don’t want him to ever know, right? It’s just…a mess,” she said, pausing to rub her forehead. “Once I tell him, we’ll have to talk about what comes next, and the thought of doing that makes me want to vomit—even more than I already do right now.”

“Are you worried about how he’ll react?” Rory asked softly.

“That’s part of it,” she admitted. “I just keep thinking we’re both going to say the wrong thing—mostly because I have _no idea_ what the right thing to say would even be—and I can’t get over this feeling that…he’s going to say something that’s going to break me even more.”

“Mom, you’re not _broken_.”

“The evidence doesn’t really back you up on that one,” Lorelai said with a hollow laugh.

“He’ll be happy,” Rory said gently. “Maybe not right away, but, eventually, he’ll be happy—just like you will. I mean, it’s Luke, and…he loves you.”

Her daughter hesitated before continuing, “I know you said that it was over, but…do you…does this change anything?”

“I don’t know, kid,” Lorelai replied, her voice distant. “I…I love him, but, so much has happened. I don’t know that we can fix it. I don’t know if I _want_ to fix it.”

Hearing the pain in her mother’s voice, Rory rushed, “I’m sorry—I shouldn’t have brought this up.”

“It’s okay,” she sighed. “For what it’s worth, I know you’re right—it’s not going to get any easier.”

“Maybe you’ll get lucky, and it’ll go better than you think?” Rory added hopefully.

“ _Yeah_ , because my luck has been outstanding lately.”

“Do you want me to tell him?” her daughter offered.

“Definitely not,” Lorelai replied. “No—I’ll do it. This is something that…has to come from me.”

“I really do think you’ll feel a little better once you do,” Rory tried hopefully.

“Well, it’s worth a shot. I don’t know how much worse I can feel,” she sighed. “Maybe I should get it over with—just make myself tell him today. I…really do want to tell him—I don’t want him to feel like I was hiding it.”

“Do you want me to come home tonight? So I could be there after? I can spend the night and part of tomorrow morning before I’d have to head back here.”

“That’s very sweet, but I’ll be okay.”

“If you’re sure,” Rory said skeptically.

“Rory, really, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry so much.”

“I just…wish I could be there with you,” her daughter answered.

“I know, sweets.”

“I’m still not sure I should have moved forward with these summer classes. I could have come home—spent the summer with you instead.”

“Kid,” Lorelai sighed. “We’ve been over this—you _need_ these summer classes to graduate on time. As much as I enjoy your company, you do not _need_ to be here to babysit me.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Rory said with resignation. “I just don’t like you being alone right now.”

“I’m not alone. Besides, it’s hard to miss you with as often as you’ve been calling—really, you’re calling so much it feels like you’re actually here.”

“Okay,” Rory reluctantly accepted. “I can still come by tonight if you end up changing your mind.”

“I’ll be _fine_. I promise,” Lorelai assured. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” she answered softly. “Hey, mom?”

“Yeah, hun?”

“I love you.”

“Oh, kid—you have no idea.”

* * *

Having told Rory she would tell Luke by the end of the day, Lorelai now felt the pressure to actually follow through with her promise. She initially considered approaching him on her way to work—going by the diner and asking to speak to him alone—but she dismissed the idea when she realized he might not agree to talk to her and, even if he did, his reaction was likely not the way she wanted to start her day. She convinced herself that it would be better to tell him around closing.

The air was warm and heavy as Lorelai walked to the diner that evening. She did everything she could to focus on the task at hand and pushed aside any thoughts of the panic attack she had experienced when she had attempted this a few weeks before.

As she passed Ms. Patty’s and looked through the diner window, she was grateful to see that it was empty, save for Luke, who was going through the nightly ritual of wiping down the tables and stacking chairs. With a deep breath, she crossed the street and walked in.

“We’re closed,” Luke greeted harshly, not even bothering to turn around.

“Hi,” Lorelai whispered. He paused his task but didn’t turn to face her.

“I’m busy, Lorelai,” he dismissed.

“I…I really need to talk to you,” she started. He said nothing in response and instead tossed his rag down and started to flip the stools on top of the counter. They had barely looked at each other since the break up—since he’d begged her to talk the morning after and she’d brushed past him.

“I can’t right now,” he replied coldly.

“Luke,” she paused, using his name in the hopes he’d actually turn to look at her.

“I said I can’t right now,” he said harshly.

“Luke—I’m pregnant,” Lorelai rushed.

His eyes snapped to her in an instant. “What…what did you just say?”

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered. “Ten weeks now.”

Luke stood momentarily stunned, just staring at her, and trying to process her words.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she continued. “In fact, it’s actually better if you don’t. Because…because, I’m not really ready to talk about it—I know we’re going to have to eventually, but I’m…not ready—not yet.”

Lorelai paused for a moment, noticing that Luke’s jaw was beginning to tense.

“Anyway, I just…I wanted you to know,” she added, turning to leave and wanting desperately to escape before his tension turned to anger.

As her hand was on the doorknob, she finally heard his voice. “You just wanted me to _know_? You’re just going to tell me…that you’re…you’re just going to say that and run away?”

“I’m not trying to run away,” she replied evenly, hoping that her voice was as steady as she intended. “I know…we need to talk, and we _will_ , but…I can’t do that yet. I need…more time, but I just couldn’t keep it from you anymore. I wanted you to know—but that’s all I can handle right now.”

Lorelai turned again to leave, making it as far as the street corner in front of the diner before Luke caught her.

“You just wanted to tell me? You’re not ready to talk?” Luke said, clearly moving from incredulous to outright anger. “No, no—you don’t get to do that!”

“Luke,” Lorelai said calmly, but he ignored her and continued.

“How could you just…come here and say it like that? You just say that we’ll talk about it later and then walk away? You really thought you could do that?”

“I had really hoped,” she said with a forced laughed, realizing how foolishly optimistic that hope had been.

He quickly continued, his volume increasing, “You don’t get to dictate everything! You don’t get to say when we talk and when we don’t! You don’t get to just _keep_ coming in here and dropping stuff on me and then running away!”

Lorelai felt the tightness in her chest start when the word “keep” left his mouth.

“Luke,” she said, trying to interrupt his ranting to no avail. With each word that left his mouth, she felt her chest tightening and knew that breathing difficulty was just ahead.

“Luke, _please_ ,” she begged, finally getting his attention.

“What?” he snapped.

Lorelai held out her left hand to him, as if to stabilize her self, and brought her right hand to her chest. She closed her eyes and willed her breathing to return to normal. When that failed, a look of dread began to cover her face.

“Lorelai, what’s wrong?” Luke asked, his anger finally quelled and replaced by concern.

“I can’t…I can’t breathe,” she managed, starting to gasp. He responded quickly, guiding her over to the diner steps to sit.

“Lorelai, what is this?” he asked worriedly. “What’s happening?”

“I have to…calm down,” she said between breaths, clearly headed towards hyperventilation.

“Um, okay,” he replied nervously. “W-what can I do?”

“Just…just…talk to me,” she gasped.

“Talk to you? About what?” he rushed, starting to panic himself when he saw that she was struggling even to speak.

“ _Anything_ ,” she pleaded.

“Um, talk? Okay,” he replied, grasping her hand in his—forgetting for a moment that he was no longer allowed to do that.

“See, this is really a job for you,” he tried, unable to hide the nervous edge in his voice. “If someone asked me, do you know a person that can make conversation anytime, anywhere? Someone who can literally talk about anything? You’d be the first name that came to mind.”

He paused briefly before continuing, “But me? I’m not like that. My mind is unhelpfully…blank right now. I mean I know I don’t usually have as much to say as you anyway, but my mind is literally blank. I wish…I was you because you _always_ know what to say. Sometimes you know what not to say too, but I bet you’d know what to say right now.”

Luke noticed that her breathing had started to slow slightly, and her grip on his hand began to relax. She still sat with her face directed at the ground, but he noticed a faint smile at started at the edge of her lips.

“Should I keep going?” he asked, not able to look away from her.

He took her nod as confirmation.

“Do you want to hear about my day?” he asked, not waiting for her to respond as he launched into a story about some ridiculous thing Kirk had done followed by the problem he’d had with his bread delivery guy. By the time he started telling her about how he was considering changing up the special, Lorelai knew that the panic attack had passed.

“Luke,” she interrupted softly. “It’s okay. You can stop. I’m…I’m okay now.”

“Are you sure?” he questioning, relaxing when he realized her breathing was even again.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m sorry about that,” she replied, ducking her head in embarrassment.

“Lorelai…what was that?” he sputtered.

“That? _That_ …was why I didn’t want to talk tonight,” she said with a watery but hollow laugh. Seeing that he clearly needed her to elaborate, she continued, “I’ve been…I’ve had that happen a few times lately. It’s been since I found out about…well, you know. That’s why I rushed out before. I wasn’t trying to hit you with it and run off. I was just worried _that_ would happen. It happened…when I tried to tell you a few weeks ago.”

Seeing the guilt on his face, she assured him, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.”

“I know, but I—”

“Luke,” she said, cutting him off. “ _Really_ , it’s ok. I’m fine—and you helped.”

“Are you sure?” he replied skeptically.

“Yes, I’m sure. Look, I know you want to talk—I want that too. But can we wait? Just for a little while?” she asked meekly.

“Sure. Whenever you’re ready,” he answered, willing to agree to almost anything after what he’d just witnessed.

“Good,” she whispered, unable to meet his eyes. “I should go. We’ll talk soon, ok? I just need to be able to…not completely fall apart when we do, and, clearly, I’m not there yet.”

Lorelai stood up, leaving Luke behind on the steps. He instinctively followed, intending to walk her home, but stopped when she softly mumbled that it was unnecessary. As he watched her walk down the sidewalk toward the square, she abruptly stopped and turned back to face him.

“I was going to wait to tell you, until I was ready to talk, but I thought you deserved to know—right from the beginning,” she said firmly.

“Oh,” he breathed, realizing the heavy meaning within her words instantly—that she had wanted him to know this was different than it had been with April.

“I promise…we’ll talk later, ok?”

As she turned again to leave, Luke rushed to catch her, “Lorelai, wait! If you need anything—I mean anything—you know that I’m here, right? Even if… you’re not ready to talk yet—I’m here.”

She replied with a sad smile, “I’ll see you soon. I promise.”

“Yeah, see you soon,” he echoed.

He stood there for a few minutes—beginning to process the reality of what she had told him. As he watched her cross the square and presumably head home, he finally allowed himself to feel the weight of exactly how much he had lost just weeks before when he had let her walk away.


	5. Casey Summers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening: Be The Change by The Wild Reeds

_ 11 Weeks _

As Lorelai lay in bed the evening before her first therapy session, she found herself contemplating exactly how painful the experience would be. Between her childhood with Emily and Richard, getting pregnant at sixteen, her multiple failed engagements, and now, an unplanned pregnancy a thirty-eight, there were a whole host of issues that Ms. Casey Summers, licensed clinical social worker and therapist, would be able to choose from.

Lorelai’s anxiety over exactly what would occur at the looming first appointment began to dissipate as she pulled into a parking space outside the therapist’s office. She had anticipated something more severe, like a traditional medical building, but was pleasantly surprised to see that her new therapist’s office was nestled inconspicuously in the middle unit of a block of brick row houses.

The inside of the offices were also a pleasant surprise. Instead of standard waiting room décor, there were two overstuffed chairs that gave the room a homier feel. The small space was warm and inviting, with no outdated magazines in sight. She was pleased to find, instead of the expected inspirational posters, a framed cartoon strip depicting a dog in a therapy session.

Before she could take a seat in one of the chairs, a side door opened revealing a woman who Lorelai assumed was Casey Summers herself. She was dressed professionally but in a way that still made her seem comfortable and approachable. Her blonde hair was loose at her shoulders, and Lorelai guessed they were about the same age.

“Hi, you must be Lorelai,” the woman greeted.

“Um, yep, that’s me,” Lorelai replied nervously.

“Excellent—I’m Casey. Please, come in,” she said, standing aside in the doorway and gesturing for Lorelai to follow. “Have a seat wherever you’d like.”

Lorelai selected a seat on the couch positioned opposite the plush chair Casey was moving toward. This room was just as comfortable as the waiting area.

“I’m so glad this time slot worked for you. My roster’s a bit full right now, and it’s one of the only free times I have,” Casey said, a reassuring smile on her face.

“Oh, yeah—well, my schedule’s pretty flexible. I run—actually I own—a small inn in Stars Hollow, so I’m pretty much in charge of my own hours.”

“Wow, that sounds great—and like a really interesting job.”

“Yeah, it’s…I love it,” she said, her voice becoming slightly shaky.

“Are you feeling nervous?” Casey inquired.

“Not nervous, exactly. It’s just I’ve never done this before—been to a therapist I mean. Well, not officially. There was a one-time session in this poor woman’s car, but I don’t think that really counts.”

“I certainly don’t want to make you nervous,” Casey said with sincerity. “I know some people find the idea of coming to therapy to be on par with getting a cavity filed, and I definitely don’t want you to feel that way. So, today, we’ll just get to know each other a little and talk a bit about what brought you here. If you’re comfortable, we can talk more about the specifics of what you might like to work on. Hopefully, it won’t be too painful.”

“So, basically we’re on a bad first date?” Lorelai joked.

“Well, I hope this will end up being a little more helpful to you than that, and that this won’t be the last we see of each other, but that analogy isn’t completely inaccurate, especially considering I can say with confidence there’s no way you’re going to get lucky at the end of this,” Casey laughed.

“What, I’m not your type?” Lorelai teased, pleased when Casey laughed again. “So…where do I start?”

“Well, why don’t you tell me a little about what’s brought you in?”

“Can’t we start with something easier? Like my thoughts on conflict in the Middle East or something?”

“While I’m sure you have some interesting things to say on that topic, something tells me that conversation won’t be as helpful to you. Don’t worry about telling me what you think I want to hear. Just tell me why _you’re_ here. What made you make the appointment?”

“Well, I’m…I’m pregnant,” Lorelai started. “I found out about a month ago. Since then, I’ve had a few…I guess you’d call them panic attacks. I had one at my first appointment with Dr. Cline—my OB/GYN. Not one of my best moments, I’ve got to say. It was…pretty bad.

“Then, in my infinite wisdom, once I had been sufficiently calmed down, I had the bright idea to tell Dr. Cline that wasn’t my first one. Thus, completely shattering the lovely state of denial I’d been living in that they’d just go away on their own.

“The doctor said my blood pressure is, well, less-than stellar. Apparently the…panic attacks…can cause even more problems with that, and she’s particularly concerned because I’m, as the medical community so rudely refers to those of us that get knocked up over the age of 35, ‘of advance maternal age.’ That makes the whole high blood pressure thing an even bigger deal since I’m supposedly at risk for a whole host of delightful complications that I wasn’t the first time around, so she recommended I see you, about the…panic attacks.”

“So, you have another child?” Casey inquired.

“I do,” Lorelai smiled. “Rory. I was really young when I had her—sixteen actually. She’s a senior in college now. She’s…the best thing that ever happened to me. She was really great when I told her about all this.”

“How so?”

“She just…knew exactly what to say. We’ve always been really close, like, _really_ close. She’s the first one I told actually—about all this.”

“That’s great that she was so supportive. Having people in your life that get it is always a must. Does Rory know about the panic attacks?”

“Yes,” Lorelai admitted. “But I kind of regret telling her.”

“Why is that?”

“She’s so worried. She’s been calling way more than usual, and she knows I haven’t been sleeping well too,” she paused. “I’m guessing you think it was a good thing I told her though, right? So that I’m not bottling anything up or whatever?”

“Lorelai, I’m not here to tell you what to do or judge you for anything you’ve already done. I’m a sounding board. I’m here to help you talk through what you’re experiencing and help you figure out things for yourself.”

“Right…that’s…that sounds good. I definitely don’t have answers to this yet,” she replied, gesturing to her stomach.

“Tell me exactly what you mean by ‘this’?”

“How to handle the pregnancy, when I’m…basically by myself. I’m alone— _again_.”

Lorelai spent the next twenty minutes regaling Casey with the Cliff Notes version of her relationship with Luke—from their friendship through April’s entry into their lives to her spectacular breakdown in front of the diner. Then, she segued into explaining how she joyously learned of her newest development: sitting by herself on the bathroom floor, followed by the first panic attack.

“I bet you’re thinking if I didn’t need therapy before, I definitely do now,” Lorelai joked. “And I haven’t even told you about my childhood yet.”

Smiling, Casey responded, “It definitely sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I’m impressed you’re able to deal with it at all.”

“Yeah, except I’m not, right? That’s the whole reason I’m here,” Lorelai sighed with frustration. “Having panic attacks—that definitely doesn’t seem like a sign that I’m handling it.”

“Why do you think having panic attacks mean you’re not handling things?” Casey pushed back.

“It’s—I don’t know…weak or something. It’s…they’re terrible. They make me feel so…out of control.”

“That’s understandable,” she responded. “Lack of control can certainly make us feel weak sometimes.”

“If I were handling things, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t _need_ to be here,” Lorelai said emphatically.

“Well, I don’t know that I agree with that assessment,” Casey pushed back. “I’d say that coming here is actually a sign that you’re doing a great job handling things. You’ve recognized a problem, and you made the choice to _ask for help_. That’s not easy, and it’s definitely not a sign of weakness. Weakness would have been letting your feelings that you shouldn’t need to ask for help hold you back from actually getting it. Admitting you need help, especially when you may not want, is not always easy, but you did it anyway.”

“People experience panic attacks for all kinds of reasons,” she continued. “But they’re _not_ a sign of weakness. It sounds like, for you, they may be a physical reaction to the stress of everything that you’re dealing with right now. They are literally your body’s way of handling the stress. Obviously, they’re not a _good_ way to handle it, but I’m guessing that’s why you’re here—to find a better way.”

“As good as that sounds, I just… _hate_ that I have to deal with these at all—like this situation isn’t hard enough,” Lorelai sighed.

“Then let’s focus on that,” Casey replied. “If you’re comfortable, I’d like to use the last part of our session to talk about what the attacks have been like for you. They can differ from person-to-person, so it’s helpful for me to get a sense of what they’re like for you so we can address the underlying cause.”

Seeing Lorelai nod in the affirmative, she continued, “Have panic attacks ever been a problem for you before now?”

“Nope. The one last month after I took the test was the first time.”

“Okay,” Casey nodded. “And what’s been the worst one you’ve experienced?”

“Probably the first one, after I took the pregnancy test, but maybe the one at Dr. Cline’s—that time was pretty intense too.”

“What do they feel like for you? What happens exactly?”

“My chest gets tight. I…I have difficulty getting my words out, which, trust me, is usually not a problem I have. It feels almost like I can’t speak because I start struggling to breathe. My heart starts racing, and I feel dizzy.”

“What are you thinking about when they happen?”

“It sort of feels like…I’m stuck—like all I can focus on is one thought, usually something horrible, and then my mind just sort of…drowns in it,” Lorelai explained.

“Everything you’re describing are pretty textbook symptoms of a panic attack,” Casey sympathized. “Is there something that’s helped bring you down once they start?”

Lorelai whispered softly, “Luke. He was…great, when it happened after I told him I was pregnant. He didn’t even know what was happening, and he just sat there with me, talking about…nothing. That helped—it made it end faster I think. It also just generally seems to help when I can get myself focus on something else.”

“Why do _you_ think you’re having them?” her therapist asked.

“The pregnancy, I guess, and thinking about what having this baby now—in this situation—is actually going to mean. This is definitely _not_ how I wanted this to happen. I always thought if I had another kid that it would be planned. I was supposed to have…Luke.”

“It sounds like you’ve thought about having children with Luke before?”

“We had talked a little about it when we first got engaged, and I had a brief scare right before that too that got me thinking about it. Maybe that’s part of what makes this so hard—I wanted this before. I wanted it with him, and now everything’s gone to hell. I miss him, but I’m sad and hurt and…he’s not here. He’s not a part of it like he was supposed to be.”

“Does that mean you don’t want him involved?”

“No,” Lorelai rushed. “I want him involved. It just…won’t be the way I always thought it would be.”

“Are you hoping to reconcile?”

“My daughter asked me the same thing,” Lorelai shared. “And the truth is that…I don’t know. I loved what we had—when it was good—but I just don’t know if it’s possible to get that back. And I don’t want to be with him just because I’m pregnant.”

“From what I’m hearing, maybe one of your goals should be to process your relationship with Luke. It sounds like you and he have quite few unresolved issues in your relationship. The weight of those issues, or at least you not having the chance to really process the break-up, is putting a strain on you. It also sounds like it’s making it a problem for you to communicate with him right now—based on what you told me about your last conversation with him.”

“That’s an understatement,” Lorelai mumbled, thinking of her near breakdown in front of the diner. “I’m guessing that processing all of that is going to take some time, but I don’t want to not talk to him until I work through everything. I need to be able to talk to him _now_.”

“You’re right that there’s no quick fix here, but one thing that really stood out to me today is that it sounds like you have a difficult time verbalizing your needs to him. There’s still probably a lot more for us to get in to about the dynamics between you two, but that might be a place for you to start.”

“What do you mean?” Lorelai asked.

“You want to be able to talk with him, right? To include him?”

“Yes, definitely,” Lorelai insisted.

“So, talk—but tell him what pace _you_ want to go at. If you’re not ready to put everything on the table yet, say that. Tell him what you’re ready to talk about and what you need some more time with. You were able to tell me about a lot of things today, including your concerns about your health and your pregnancy. Is that something you want to tell him?”

“Yeah, he…should probably know about what’s going with that.”

“Maybe start there, and try not to focus too much on the future,” Casey advised. “Based on what you’re telling me, he was very helpful when you had an attack after telling him about the pregnancy. Tell him that—and let him know why you need to have certain boundaries for now. Then, we can work on helping you feel more comfortable talking about more long-term topics—topics that might be more likely to cause an attack.”

“You make it all sound so reasonable…and so simple,” Lorelai said, shaking her head.

“I don’t mean to minimize the weight of the situation. Nothing about this is simple,” Casey replied. “I know I’m just getting to know you, but you seem very capable. You can have a little faith in yourself.”

“These panic attacks are making that difficult,” Lorelai said with a hollow laugh.

“I know that it’s easy for me to say, but it’s usually best to try not to let them dictate your life. Yes, they could show up, but they’re not the one in the driver’s seat—you are. It’s _your_ life, and it doesn’t do you any good to put it on hold because you _might_ have a panic attack.”

“And what if they just keep happening?” Lorelai countered.

“The reality is that they might. Unfortunately, with panic attacks, once you have one, you’re more likely to have another. That’s often because you recognize what’s happening when you feel it starting, which can send you racing into panic mode even faster, but I think that’s something we can focus on—helping you deescalate them when you feel them coming, helping you to stay calm if one starts, and maybe even stopping them from starting altogether. That is, if you’d like to continue working together.”

“Yeah,” Lorelai admitted quietly. “I think I’d like that.”

“I’m glad to hear that. We’ve covered a lot of ground today, so why don’t we end there?

Casey suggested, and Lorelai quickly agreed.

Walking back to her car, Lorelai had to admit that her first therapy session hadn’t been as bad as she had anticipated. Then again, she hadn’t talked about her mother yet, so there was still time for things to sour.


	6. The Next Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening: Ooh Child (Alternative Version) by Beth Orton

_ 11 Weeks _

Lorelai had spent almost ten minutes staring at the phone. Since she had told Luke about the pregnancy, he had been more than respectful of her wishes. He hadn’t called or come by the house. He had let her be—just like she had asked.

But she knew he had to be worried, and, after her first session with Casey, Lorelai decided she needed to bite the bullet and initiate a conversation that included more than a pregnancy bomb and a panic attack. 

_Just get it over with_ , she thought and forced herself to dial his number.

“Luke’s,” he answered gruffly.

“Hey, it’s…me.”

“Hey,” Luke replied, softening when he recognized her voice.

“So, I just wanted to call and see…if you were free tonight? I thought maybe… you might want to come over tonight? So we can talk?”

“Oh,” he answered, surprise in his voice. “Um…yeah, I’m free, but…are you sure? If you need…more time or whatever, that’s fine too.”

“I don’t know that I’m ready to get into everything in one night, but I think…I’m probably up for a starter conversation,” she assured him.

“Okay,” he replied hesitantly. “Then…I’ll be there. Is seven okay?”

“See you then,” she replied before ending the call.

* * *

Lorelai arrived home just after six that evening. She opted to change out of her work clothes, deciding that if she had to have a potentially painful conversation with Luke she should at least get to be comfortable. She spent the remaining time before seven trying to find a task to occupy her self. Despite obsessively checking the clock, she was still startled when Luke knocked on the door at exactly one minute past seven.

“Hi,” she greeted nervously upon opening the door.

“Hey,” he exhaled, clearly anxious himself.

Realizing after a moment that they were both lingering in the doorway, Lorelai quickly asked, “Do you want to come in?”

“Uh, yeah,” he nodded, following her inside.

“Do you want anything?” she rushed.

“No, no—I’m good.”

“We should sit, I guess,” she said, gesturing to the sofa and taking a seat in the chair opposite.

“Right, right,” he continued nervously.

Once seated, they both remained silent—unsure of how to shake the awkwardness of the moment.

Lorelai finally broke the silence. “I really appreciate that you’ve given me some time, like I asked. I just…I really appreciate that. It…means a lot.”

“Yeah, of course,” he started. “You really…I’ve been worried.”

“I’m so sorry about the other night,” she emphasized. “I shouldn’t have just rushed in and out like that.”

“Don’t worry about it. Besides, that’s…not really the part I was worried about.”

“I know, but still,” she insisted. “I wanted to tell you, but I should have figured out a better way—maybe one that didn’t result in me having a breakdown, which I’m guessing you might have some questions about.”

“Yeah, I’ve got a few,” he whispered, his eyes now locked on her in concern.

“So that lovely little performance I gave was…a panic attack. Apparently, that’s my thing now,” she said, rolling her eyes slightly.

“Your thing?” he questioned.

“Yeah, I’ve, uh, I’ve had a few of them, since I found out about…” she said, trailing off.

“How many is a few?” he pushed, concern etching his voice.

“Just one,” she said dismissively. “Or five.”

“You’ve had _five_ of those?” he said, incredulous.

“I promise it’s not that big of a deal,” she said in an attempt to reassure him.

“It seems like it’s kind of a big deal.”

“Luke, it’s fine—really. I’m actually…working with someone—a therapist—to get a handle on them.”

“You’re seeing a therapist?” he said with surprise.

“Yeah, my doctor—she recommended that I start going because—”, Lorelai stopped herself.

“Because of what?” he pressed.

“It’s nothing,” she lied. When it was clear he didn’t believe her, she sighed, “Look, I don’t want you to worry—it’s really nothing.”

“What _exactly_ is nothing?”

“Well…my doctor is a little…concerned because…my blood pressure isn’t…great. The panic attacks can make it worse, and that’s a problem because high blood pressure can cause…complications.”

“For who? You? Or…or the baby?” he asked.

“Both,” she admitted.

Seeing the worry grow on his face, she continued, “Luke, really, you don’t need to worry. I’m taking care of it.”

“You’re going to be okay though, right?”

“I’ll be fine,” she assured him, despite not knowing if what she said was true.

His eyes widened as he remembered how he’d jumped down her throat when she’d first told him she was pregnant—realizing now the implications of pushing her into a panic attack. “Oh, Lorelai, I’m…I’m so sorry—about the other night. I shouldn’t have come at you like that. If I had known, I wouldn’t—“

“I know,” she assured him. “It’s okay, really.”

“But still, I shouldn’t have yelled like that. You just…caught me off guard.”

“Luke, it’s really okay—you didn’t know. It does mean that…from now on though, I have to be careful—to try not to stress myself out too much.”

“Yeah, of course,” he nodded.

“And that means…I’m not completely ready to get into everything that I know we’ll need to talk about. There’s… _a lot_ that I know we’ll need to talk about. I mean, this,” she said, letting her hand drift absentmindedly to her stomach. “Is definitely not something I was expecting, and I know it’s going to change things—change everything really—but I’m not ready to talk about that part yet. Right now, I’m not ready to get into anything other than the pregnancy itself. I can’t talk about—”

“Us,” he finished knowingly.

“Yeah,” she exhaled. “It’s not forever though—just…for a while.”

“Does that mean…you want there to be an us?”

“Questions like _that_ are exactly what I’m not ready for,” she sighed, running her hands through her hair. “Look, I’m not trying be purposefully vague or evasive—I swear—I just can’t handle anything else right now. I’m trying to take it…one day at a time.”

“Where does that leave us?” he questioned softly. “What does it mean for us right now?”

“It means—we’re having a baby, and I want you to be part of that, but…that’s all I can do right now.”

“You want me to be a part of it?” he asked hopefully.

“Of _course_ I do,” she insisted.

“Okay,” he smiled softly. “Good.”

“I had my first doctor’s appointment,” Lorelai said as she abruptly rose and walked over to the desk where the little envelope with the ultrasound photos was sitting. “You know—just to confirm everything, and they took these.”

Confused, Luke took the envelope she handed him and pulled out the contents.

“That’s—,” he trailed off in amazement when he realized what he was holding.

“Yeah,” she breathed. “That’s…our baby.”

“That’s…that’s so—,” he stumbled, unable to find the words to sum up everything he was feeling.

“Yeah, it _really_ is,” she agreed, knowing what he meant without him having to say it.

“We’re really having a baby?” he asked in a dazed voice.

“Yeah, we are,” she replied. “I have another doctor’s appointment coming up, and I thought…you might like to come.”

“I’ll be there,” he said, looking over at her. “Lorelai, I…I want to give you time, but…”

“But what?” she pressed.

“I want to be there for you—for this—more than just doing to the doctor. I’d like to be around. I know you can take care of your self, but...I’d like to help—especially if…you’re going through something. Maybe I could…come around sometimes? I can make you dinner or help with stuff, and that way we can talk about things a little at a time, if you’re ready. I just… _need_ to know that you’re okay—or if you’re not okay.”

At her silence, he continued, “I’m not trying to pressure you or anything. I just want to be here for you. Maybe…maybe, you can just tell me? If there are things I can do to help, you can tell me?”

“Yeah,” she exhaled. “I can do that.”

“Good,” he replied before turning to look back at the ultrasound photo. “This just…it changes _everything_ , Lorelai.”

“I know,” she concurred softly.


	7. The Chair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening (Scene 3): To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra

_ 14 Weeks _

“Are you wearing flats?” Sookie asked in surprise when Lorelai entered the inn’s kitchen.

“Yeah,” Lorelai said, shifting uncomfortably.

“Heels were getting to you?” Sookie added knowingly.

“Ugh, yes,” she moaned. “My feet have been _killing_ me.”

“I’m sorry, hun,” Sookie said empathetically. “I remember. How are you feeling otherwise?”

“Okay, I guess,” she shrugged.

“And…how are things with Luke?” Sookie asked, trying—and failing—to be nonchalant.

Lorelai eyed her lack of subtlety before answering, “They’re… _weird_.”

“Bad weird?” Sookie asked with concern.

“No, not bad weird, just…weird. We’ve only talked and seen each other a few times in the last couple of weeks, and he’s just been so… _nice_ ,” Lorelai said, scrunching her face.

“That’s a bad thing?” Sookie laughed.

“It’s just not _us_. He and I…we joke and tease and we _talk_ , but now, he’s so…politely distant. It’s like he’s walking on eggshells around me—like he’s always afraid to say the wrong thing or something.”

“He’s just trying not to push you,” the chef countered. “I think you probably gave him a good scare with that panic attack.”

“I know, and I appreciate that he’s trying to be careful, but whatever this weird-ness is, sometimes I think it’s just as bad as if he _was_ pushing. He’s holding back so much when he’s around me. Sometimes he looks at me, and I can tell that he wants to say something, but then he just…doesn’t. And it’s different than it was when he was holding back before—it doesn’t feel like he’s hiding something—it just feels like…like he thinks I’m going to break or something if he actually says what he’s thinking—and it’s driving me _crazy_.”

“So why don’t you talk to him?”

“And say what, exactly?”

“Tell him that it’s been weird—tell him that you don’t want him to tip-toe around you anymore.”

“But he’s tip-toeing around me because I asked him to,” Lorelai countered.

“No, you asked to postpone talking about your relationship—what he’s doing isn’t the same thing.”

“So you think I should just tell him to relax?”

“That’s what you want, right?”

“I guess,” Lorelai sighed. “That’s part of it.”

“What’s the other part?”

“I just want him to talk to me like we’ve known each other for ten years and not like I’m a stranger. I didn’t realize by asking him not to talk about our relationship that he was just going to shut down. He’s so _polite_ every time we talk about the pregnancy, and we haven’t even _really_ talked about the baby at all yet. I know him—there’s got to be a million things he has to say.”

“So, you want him to tell you what he’s feeling, but you don’t want to actually talk about what you’re going _to do_ about whatever he’s feeling?”

“Oh, god, I sound like such a bitch,” Lorelai cringed.

“No, you don’t,” she assured. “I think I get it. You want to be more open, but you’re just not ready to talk details—so _tell_ him that.”

“But what if—”

“You’re supposed to be asking for what you need, right?” Sookie cuts off. “That’s what that fancy therapist says?”

“Yes,” Lorelai grudgingly concedes.

“This is what you need, so _ask_. Besides, if you guys keep going this way, and he keeps bottling everything up, which you _know_ he is,” Sookie said pointedly. “Then his head’s going to end up exploding—which will definitely make things worse.”

“But is it really fair for me to ask him to be more open with me when I don’t know that I can do the same for him?”

“Maybe not, but…you can’t keep going like this, can you?”

“Yeah, I guess not. I just wish…”

“Wish what, honey?” Sookie encouraged when Lorelai trailed off.

“That it wasn’t happening like this—that we could both just…be normal.”

“Give it some time. It’ll get easier.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Lorelai answered with a flat smile, her skepticism melting through.

* * *

“So…things are okay? You’re feeling okay?” Luke asked hesitantly. Since their first real talk about the pregnancy, he had called Lorelai every few days—just to check-in.

“I’m exhausted, but, yeah, I’m okay,” she answered.

“Good, that’s good.”

“My doctor’s appointment’s next week. You still want to come to that, right?”

“Definitely,” he rushed.

“Good—it’s on Thursday at nine. I was thinking you could just meet me there, since I have to head to the inn right after.”

“Sure, I can do that.”

“They’re supposed to do this blood test thing—it’s a genetic screening—but one of the things it also tells you is whether it’s a boy or girl.”

“They can do that with a blood test?”

“Apparently,” she replied. “Do you want to know? If it’s a boy or a girl?”

“Oh, um, I don’t know. What do you think?”

“I think…I’d like to know.”

“Then we’ll find out.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah—I mean…we’ve probably had enough surprises lately, right?”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Lorelai mumbled.

“Well…is there anything you need? Anything I can do?” he asked, just as he did every time they spoke.

“Actually—yes,” she answered, holding her breath and preparing to broach the subject she had been dreading.

“Yeah?” he replied in surprise.

“There’s a couple things actually,” she hesitated. “The first one involves a little manual labor. I was thinking about…I’ve been thinking about cleaning out the spare room upstairs. There’s so much junk that’s ended up in there, and…I could really use some help with it.”

“Why are you cleaning it out?” Luke asked, oblivious.

“Well,” Lorelai said slowly. “I know it’s kind of small, but I thought…I thought I might make that…the nursery.”

“Right!” Luke rushed. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of…um, yeah, I can help with that. That’s not problem.”

“Are you sure? Because I—“

“I’m sure,” he cut off.

“Okay, good.”

“How about Saturday?”

“Uh, yeah, Saturday’s great,” she answered, surprised that he wanted to come so soon.

“What was the other thing?”

“The other thing?” Lorelai questioned, squeezing her eyes closed at the fact he’d remembered.

“Yeah, you said there were two things.”

“Right—the other thing. That one’s a little…I don’t know how to say it exactly,” she said pausing. “I wanted to talk about the fact that things have been…weird…between us.”

“What do you mean?” Luke said stiffly, fearing where this might be headed.

“You’ve been great—really,” Lorelai insisted. “But it’s been a little weird, don’t you think? Like we’ve…forgotten how to talk to each other?”

“I guess it’s been…strained,” Luke conceded.

“I know you’re trying to do what I asked—not pressure me—but, when I asked for that, I didn’t mean for things to get like this. You don’t have to treat me like I’m going to break.”

“I haven’t been,” Luke insisted before admitting, “I just…I don’t want to put you through one of those attacks again.”

“I know. I’m just…we’re not really talking at all now. I know there must be so much you’re thinking—so much you want to say. I never meant to have you cut yourself off entirely. I do… want to know where you’re at with this.”

“I just…don’t want to push you.”

“And I appreciate that,” she answered quietly. “That’s why…I was thinking that if you promise to relax a little, I’ll promise to tell you if I’m uncomfortable or if I’m starting to freak out. That way things won’t be so awkward, and…you won’t have to worry that you’re upsetting me.”

“I’ll still worry,” he mumbled. “But…yeah, I can do that.”

That night, as Luke lay in bed, he couldn’t stop turning Lorelai’s words around in his head. She wanted to know what he was thinking. She had _always_ wanted to know what he was thinking, but he had pushed her away. He hated himself for doing that, and he hated her for letting him—for not telling him sooner that he was losing her.

Now, she was having his kid, and he was shut out again—not because she wasn’t trying to let him in but because there would always be a wall between them if they weren’t together. He was on the outside looking in—close enough to see but not touch. She wanted to know what he was thinking? That was easy—he wanted to come in from the cold. Unfortunately, that was also the one thing he couldn’t tell her.

* * *

“Where do you want me to start?” Luke asked, toolbox in hand, as he entered Lorelai’s house that Saturday.

“I thought maybe you could help me with boxing some of the stuff up?” she suggested as they headed up to the spare room. “I’ve gone through most of it, so everything that’s left just needs to be boxed up and donated. Then, once it’s cleared out, maybe you could break down the bookshelves?”

Luke nodded, grabbing one of the cardboard boxes propped by the door and starting to fill it with the items she had gestured toward. The pair worked in relative silence for almost an hour—filling boxes that Luke would then bring out to the front porch. When all the items had been boxed, Lorelai proposed they take a break before he started disassembling the unwanted furniture.

“Actually,” Luke started nervously. “I, uh, I have something for you. It’s out in the truck—but I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to bring it in yet.”

“What is it?”

“I, well…I made something…for you.”

“You made something?” she questioned with slight surprise.

“Yeah, I…do you…do you want to see it?” he asked, feeling some relief when she nodded eagerly.

When she saw what was carefully strapped in the back of his truck, Lorelai asked softly, “Luke—you made that for me?”

“It’s not a big deal,” he replied, jumping up onto the flatbed to unload the large item. “I’ve, uh, I’ve been trying to keep…my mind busy or whatever. Making stuff helps with that.”

“Luke,” she said in awe. “You made me a rocking chair?”

“Yeah, I did,” he said, trying to brush off the implied compliment.

“It’s _beautiful_ ,” she remarked.

“Do you…do you want me to bring it upstairs?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, that…would be nice,” she answered, smiling softly.

Luke moved the rocker upstairs and into the spare room, positioning it by the window at Lorelai’s request.

“Go on,” he encouraged. “Test it out.”

As she took a seat, Lorelai began to rock back and forth, closing her eyes as she did.

“It’s perfect, Luke,” Lorelai said sincerely. “Thank you—for making it for me.”

“It’s nothing,” he said dismissively.

“No, it’s _definitely_ something.”

“Why don’t I start on those shelves?” he asked, trying to push away the heaviness of the moment. He quickly grabbed a screwdriver from his toolbox and set to work, while Lorelai continued to quietly rock.

Luke spared a glance back at her, his heart skipping a beat when he noticed that, not only was her hand resting on her lower abdomen, but there was now actually something to rest it on. He hadn’t noticed the curve that was so clearly developing, and he questioned how he could have missed it—since it was so overwhelmingly obvious to him now.

“I don’t think I’ve sat in a rocking chair since Rory was a baby,” Lorelai commented.

“Uh, you had one when she was little?” Luke responded, pulling himself from his thoughts.

“Yeah,” she reminisced. “It wasn’t as nice as this one though. I’d sit in it sometimes when I was still pregnant with her.”

_She wants you to talk to her,_ he thought. _So talk._

“You’ve never really talked about that much,” Luke observed, pausing his disassembly of the shelves.

“About what?”

“Being pregnant with Rory.”

“Well, it wasn’t an entirely pleasant experience,” she said with a brief chuckle.

“I can imagine,” Luke mumbled sympathetically.

“I wanted her so much,” Lorelai said seriously, opening her eyes and turning to look out the window.

_Talk to her_ , he told himself again.

“When did you know?” Luke inquired. “That you wanted her, I mean?”

She turned to him for a moment, surprised at the question. “From the beginning,” she answered with certainty. “I mean—I was terrified and ashamed and about a thousand other things, and I tried pretty desperately at first to pretend I _wasn’t_ pregnant. But I think deep down, I knew that I needed her—that she needed me. I’d never had that feeling—never _loved_ anything like that before.”

As she finished, she noticed that he was staring at her.

“What?” she asked softly.

“Nothing,” he dismissed, but she pressed him again to answer.

“I’m just glad, I guess. I know this,” he said, gesturing to her stomach. “Isn’t the way you want this to happen, but I’m just…really glad it’s you. I’m glad it’ll have you and…that it gets to be a part of you.”

“Luke,” Lorelai said, her brow furrowing slightly, just as he dropped his eyes and returned to taking apart the bookshelf. “It’ll have both of us—be part of both of us.”

“Yeah, I know,” he replied, still refusing to meet her eyes. “But I think…I don’t know…it’s just—it’s different with you. You’re such a good mom. It’ll _need_ you in a way it won’t need me. You just—you’re so good at _loving_. This kid’s gonna get that. It’s gonna be…an amazing kid…because you’re its mom—because it’ll come from you.”

“ _Luke_ ,” she whispered, overwhelmed at his words and reeling from the fact that he had been able to verbalize them in the first place.

“I’m not saying it to make you feel sorry for me or something. It’s just the truth,” he insisted. “And you asked me to…to tell you that kind of stuff more, right? What I’m thinking or whatever?”

“Yeah, I did,” she mumbled back.

“Well, that’s what I’m thinking,” he replied, letting the silence linger for a moment before adding, “You know—it’s not a bad thing. I…know from experience what it feels like—being loved by you—so…it’s definitely not a bad thing.”


	8. Whatever It Takes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> -This has been one of my favorite chapters to write!
> 
> -I've basically been listening to the song recommendation on a loop as I've been writing this, and it's actually where the title for this fic comes from. The angst-y tone really sums up the weight of what Lorelai's trying to deal with throughout this story.
> 
> Suggested Listening: Scene 3—When the party's over by Billie Eilish

_ 15 Weeks _

"So…a girl," Luke said in a dazed voice as he leaned on the driver's side door of his truck in the parking lot near Dr. Cline's office. "We're having a girl."

"Yep," Lorelai echoed, trying to read his expression as she stood across from him. Noticing how tightly he was gripping his keys, she asked, "A-are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm…I'm good," he replied. "It's just…crazy. They do a blood test, and they can just… _tell_ you if you're having a boy or girl. How does that even work? I mean I knew…I knew it was…it was either a girl or a boy, but now we actually _know_ —we _know_ it's a girl. We're having a girl. You and me—we're gonna have a little girl."

"Are you _sure_ you're okay?" she repeated. "You seem…not okay."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good," he said unconvincingly.

"You're not…you're not disappointed, are you?" Lorelai asked hesitantly, suddenly concerned that his ranting may be because he hadn't _wanted_ it to be a girl.

"No!" he insisted. "Of course not! I know…I'm probably talking a lot. I'm definitely…I'm talking too much—but I think that's just because she's a _she_ now and not an 'it' anymore."

"Yeah, she's a she," Lorelai softened.

"The doctor—she said something about genetic screenings, right? That's what that blood test was about?" he asked abruptly. "I was trying to pay attention, but I don't think I got much after she said that…that _she_ is a _she_."

"Yeah, it was a genetic screening. Dr. Cline said everything looked good. There was nothing to worry about," Lorelai affirmed, omitting that the doctor _had_ seemed worried that her blood pressure was still elevated.

"Good, good. That's really good. That's great."

"Okay, well, I have to get back to the inn," Lorelai said, gesturing to her car.

"Sure, sure. The inn," he nodded.

"Are you okay to drive?" Lorelai questioned.

"Yeah, I might…I might just sit for a few minutes, but…I'll be good."

"Okay," Lorelai answered skeptically. "Do me a favor? Call me, and let me know you got back to the diner okay?"

"Will do," he nodded, still in a stupor.

"Well, I guess I'll see you later," Lorelai said with uncertainty before turning to enter her Jeep.

"Hey, Lorelai," she heard him call out. When she turned back to face him, he smiled softly before adding, "I'm definitely _not_ disappointed."

All she could do was return his smile.

* * *

It took Luke almost a week for the news that Lorelai was actually carrying his daughter to truly sink in. He was going to have a _daughter_ —a daughter with _Lorelai_.

Since he had helped clean out the spare room, things between them had improved or, at the very least, they were less awkward—to the point that Lorelai had even accepted his offer to cook her dinner on Saturday. He missed the little things more than he ever thought he would—the way she would joke with him or just getting to sit next to her while they watched some inane movie she had chosen. Making her dinner didn't give him that back, but it was a balm that eased the pain created by the distance between them.

When he arrived at her house that Saturday evening, carrying a bag full of groceries, Luke could immediately tell that something was wrong. The smile she greeted him with didn't fully reach her eyes, and she was quieter than she had been since before the rocking chair.

He was relieved when, despite something occupying her mind, she agreed to sit with him while he cooked. As he stood at the counter, starting to chop vegetables for the sauce he was making, Lorelai sat silently at the kitchen table playing with the edge of the placement in front of her.

"How was your day?" he asked, hoping to shake her out of whatever was troubling her.

"Fine," she answered flatly.

"Yeah? What'd you do?"

"Not much. I had to go over to Woodbridge to run some errands."

"Yeah?" he asked, waiting for her to elaborate.

"Mm-hmm, I was there picking up something for the inn, but it wasn't ready when I got there. I…actually noticed one of those baby stores nearby though, so I…went in—figured I'd just look for a few minutes while I waited," she said distantly.

"Did, uh, did you see anything you liked?" Luke answered tentatively, unsure of whether or not he was stepping on a landmine.

"Not really. I was only there for a few minutes," she paused. "It did make me realize though that…we'll need to get stuff for your place too—like a crib and everything you'd need for her stay with you."

"Uh, yeah…that'd be great," he said slowly, turning halfway to face her and still confused by where she was going with the conversation.

"I hadn't… actually thought about that," Lorelai whispered.

"Thought about what?"

"I guess I just always thought of her being _here_ —pictured _this_ as her home." Shaking her head, Lorelai continued, "That was…stupid of me, I guess."

"That's not stupid," Luke assured. "This _is_ her home."

"Yeah, but she won't be here all the time. She'll stay with you too," she replied softly. "We haven't talked about that stuff—about what it'll be like after she's born. Maybe…we should."

"We don't have to figure that out now," Luke dismissed.

"I know we don't have to figure _everything_ out now, but maybe we should start talking about some kind of arrangement—what each of us wants."

"Like a schedule?" Luke asked, furrowing his brow.

"She'll probably be with me more when she's really little, but eventually, as she gets bigger, we'll need a schedule—so she has some consistency."

"Right," he answered shortly, his heart starting to sink into his stomach at the implication of her words—that a schedule would mean their split was truly permanent.

"I just want her to feel stable. I think we both want that," she paused. "Are you…do you think you'll want to stay in your place for a while?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Luke answered, still stuck on the idea that Lorelai was imagining schedules in their future.

"Well, eventually, you'll probably move, right? When she gets bigger, she'll need her own space with you, plus you'll have April and," she paused, hesitating, before faintly adding, "You might…you might meet someone."

Luke froze instantly at her words, abruptly stopping his preparations.

"Don't do that," he said stiffly, wishing his reply hadn't been so sharp.

"Do what?" she asked, clearly aware of what had set him off.

"Say things like that. Don't say things like that. Don't act like…just don't say things like that."

"Luke," Lorelai started. "I'm just…trying to be practical."

"Lorelai, you said you don't want to talk about all that yet—about us—which I get, and I am _trying_ to respect that because it means that I get to be here for you—be here for all this," he said, gesturing at her stomach. "But if that's how it has to be, then…I need you to not say things like that, alright?"

He paused briefly before adding, "Besides, y-you don't have to worry about that. It's…that's not going to be a problem."

"It's not like it's impossible that you might meet someone," she pushed, her eyes dropping away from him.

"That's not going to happen," he said firmly and looking straight at her. "Look, we can talk about cribs and schedules and where I'm gonna live and anything else you want, but we're not going to talk about _that_. Because there's not going to be anyone else, okay?"

"There could be," Lorelai said softly.

"There won't be," he said with frustration.

"How can you be sure?"

"You don't want to talk about it, remember?" he countered, feeling his anger start to boil.

"But—"

"Because I just _know_ , alright?" he said with exasperation. "Because there _can't_ be anyone else. Because…because I love _you_ , all right? So there's not going to be anyone else. There's _never_ going to be anyone else."

His words were met with complete silence as Lorelai sat at the table staring at him like he'd just slapped her.

"I shouldn't have said that," he exhaled. "It's just…I'm trying, here, Lorelai. To give you what you need—to give you time, but I don't know how to do that if you're the one that's going to push. I need you to at least follow the rules that _you_ laid out."

"I know," she said blankly. "I'm trying."

"Yeah, well, maybe you should try harder," he sighed, grabbing his jacket and heading for the front door. "I can't do this tonight. I'll just…I'll see you later."

* * *

When Luke arrived back at the diner, he told Caesar to go home early, which allowed him to close up in solitude. As he went through his usual routine, he replayed the exchange he'd just had with Lorelai over in his mind. The more he stewed about the night's events, the more his mind turned to all the thoughts and feelings about their relationship that he'd been attempting to shove aside since they'd broken up.

He realized how unbelievably _angry_ he was with her. He had been so stunned at her decision to walk away from him that night in front of the diner. She had just left him—with no warning. She had unilaterally decided that they were over, telling him not to come after her.

But as angry as he was with Lorelai, he was even angrier with himself. She may have walked away from their relationship, but he hadn't gone after her. She had shown up and started spouting about it being now or never—asking if he loved her, as if any answer other than yes was even possible—and he'd just let her walk away. In one moment, he'd lost the only person he had ever really loved.

His mind slowly turned back to the events earlier that evening. He felt guilty for letting him self lose control, but his anger start to rise again as he considered how she had broken her own rule. He had shoved aside all of his feelings about the breakup and losing her. He'd done everything she'd asked of him, including being more open with her about his feelings about the baby, but she just had to push him.

But he had taken the bait. He couldn't get the look of genuine fear she had on her face as she had talked about the idea of him meeting someone else. He had known the moment he walked in that something was off with her, but still, he'd let her push him into saying things he knew she wasn't ready to hear.

A sinking feeling started when he realized how harmful his blow up could have been and that it could have pushed her into another panic attack. He began to worry that he might have upset her so much that she might ask him to stay away completely and debated whether he should return to apologize or let her have space away from him.

He continued to roughly wipe down the counter and tables as he searched his mind for answers. As he was finishing, and strongly considering going back to Lorelai's house, he heard the familiar ding of the bell over the front door, signaling that someone had entered.

"We're closed," he grunted.

"It's me," Lorelai replied softly.

"Hey," he answered, softening his expression as he moved to face her. He was more than relieved that she had taken the choice out of his hands by simply coming directly to him.

"Can we talk?" she asks hesitantly.

"Yeah, sure," he rushed. "I actually was thinking the same thing. I was going to come back because, Lorelai, I'm…I'm so sorry about before. I shouldn't have—"

"It's ok," she said, cutting him off. "You were right. When I went in that store today, I just started thinking about what it's going to be like when she's actually here, and I let my worries about that take over. I pushed you when I shouldn't have. You've been so patient with me, and I don't want you to think I don't see that or appreciate it—because I do. You really have no idea how much. But…I've been so busy thinking about what I need that I don't think I've thought enough about…how all this is effecting _you_."

"It's fine. I'm fine," Luke lied.

"But you're not," she replied knowingly. "You're frustrated, and obviously angry at me, and I get why. I've been calling all the shots, and I haven't been fair to you. I'm…sorry about that."

"Lorelai, really, it's okay," he said firmly, somewhat stunned that she sum up the problem so succinctly, when he himself hadn't been able to define it.

"Except it's not—it's not okay," she sighed. "I'm not…I'm still not ready to really _talk_ about us, but I do think I should tell you specifically _why_ that is—because it's not just the stress or the panic attacks."

"You don't have to—really."

"I do though," she whispered. "I asked you to be more open with me, and…I need to do the same with you. You deserve that. You deserve to understand why this is so hard for me."

"Okay," he said hesitantly, waiting for her to continue.

"You…Luke, you _broke_ me," she said heavily, her eyes already starting to well up. "I was falling apart, right in front of you, for months, and you didn't see it. I know part of that is on me. I should have talked to you. I should have told you how I felt, and I'm not trying to put that on you. But, it doesn't change the fact that…I just don't know if I trust you anymore."

"You don't trust me?" he asked, his voice filled with hurt.

"Not with _me_ —not right now, at least," she said wetly. "You stopped _seeing_ me, Luke. Somewhere along the way, you just stopped _seeing_ me. I loved you _so_ much, but you hurt me more than I ever thought possible—when I never thought you would, at least not like that—not on purpose.

"Oh, Lorelai—" he whispered.

"As much as I miss you, it doesn't change what happened then or what's happening right now. It just… _hurts_. It _hurts_ all the time. It _hurts_ to wake up in the morning. It _hurts_ to breathe. And every time I think about us or even the _possibility_ of us, it makes it harder to hold myself together—and I am trying so _hard_ to hold it together, for me and for _her_ ," she paused. " I'm notsaying _any_ of this to hurt you. I just want you to understand that it's…complicated."

"Yeah," he said heavily. "I'm getting that."

"I meant what I said when I walked away—I was ready to be done. I know…this baby changes things—changes where we go from here—but I'm not ready to say that I…that I want to fix things. I do know that before we could ever even _think_ about making it work, I need to be able to trust you again, and I just _don't_ right now—not with my heart at least. I need…I need more time."

"Yeah," he said distantly, not able to hide how hurt he was by her words.

"I _love_ you," she said emphatically. "I've _always_ loved you. You know that right? I'm not trying to hurt you or…or ruin things between us, but it's not just about us. She has to come first, so I just…I can't right now and…I just…I'm not…I can't—"

"Hey, it's okay," Luke soothed, cutting her off when she began to stumble over her words. "Lorelai, listen to me. What I said—at the house—I meant it, okay? There's never going to be anyone else, so…so I can wait, all right? If you're not ready, I can wait for you to figure out what you want."

"But for how long?" she asked tearfully. "What if it takes—"

"I can wait until you're ready—however long that is."

"I'm so _scared_ ," she admitted. "I wish I could just get over that. I _want_ to get over it, but—"

"You're not there yet," Luke finished. "It's _okay_. I'm not going anywhere, and…and I'll do _whatever_ it takes to make things right."


	10. Richard and Emily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening (After Chapter): Beggin for Thread by Banks

_ 16 Weeks _

"Wow," Rory said in a stunned voice when Lorelai told her about Luke's declaration and her subsequent emotional word vomiting at the diner.

"Pretty much," Lorelai answered with exhaustion, reaching to grab another slice of pizza from the box perched on the coffee table.

"That is just— _wow_."

"Can I get a little more than just a wow?" she pleaded.

"And you guys haven't talked about it since then? At all?" Rory said in disbelief.

"Nope. I left, and it's pretty much been radio silence. I saw him the other day when I went into the diner, but it was weird and awkward and pretty much any other word that means uncomfortable."

"You guys can't just ignore it forever," Rory insisted.

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that," Lorelai said dryly. "Ugh, things were _just_ starting to get better, and then I had to go and open my big mouth."

"He's probably just trying to process everything," she suggested. "I mean he kind of unintentionally put himself out there, and you—"

"Had a complete breakdown and told him I didn't trust him?"

"I was going to say you were brutally honest about your feelings, probably for the first time in a while. He's probably just trying to digest everything you threw at him."

"I guess," she said skeptically. "I had just hoped it wouldn't make things weird again—we were doing okay before that, and he handled me crying in the middle of the diner pretty well, all things considered, so I thought maybe I didn't completely ruin everything."

"Why did you push him so hard in the first place?" Rory asked with deep curiosity.

"It was that stupid baby store!" Lorelai said in frustration. "It made my mind have all these crazy thoughts. All I could think about the whole day was…what this is really going to look like once she's here, and my brain just wouldn't let go of the idea that…she could have this whole other life when she's with him. My thoughts just…got away from me a bit. I didn't mean for him to just blurt out his feelings like that."

"Right," Rory replied skeptically.

"What? You think I'm lying?

"Well, I don't think you're lying about letting your thoughts get away from you," she affirmed. "Or the fact that the way you went about conveying those thoughts to Luke was…probably not the most effective."

"But…"

"But…are you sure you didn't _want_ him to say all that stuff?"

"You think I wanted him to yell that he's still in love with me?" Lorelai asked, disbelieving.

"Maybe not exactly in those words, but are you sure you weren't…kind of hoping to get _some_ kind of reassurance from him?"

" _All_ I've done is tell him I'm not ready to talk about us yet."

"Yeah, but…that doesn't mean you weren't still looking for reassurance," Rory answered. "I just think it's…interesting that, after hearing him say all that stuff, you were actually open with him for the first time about your relationship—and you kind of told him what you need in order to fix it. It…kind of seems like…"

"Like what?"

"Like you were just waiting for him to say how he felt first before you put yourself out there—like…you wanted to know that he still wants to be with you before you…basically said that you still want to be with him too."

Lorelai's inhaled deeply. "I just…don't know if that's enough anymore. I don't know that I can go through this again if…it doesn't work out."

"You don't know that it won't work out though," Rory replied. "Things were…messed up at the end with you guys, but before that? I've…never seen you that happy—ever. I get that it's a risk to try again, but isn't it just as big of a reward?"

"It's not that simple," Lorelai said heavily.

"I know. Just…try not to worry about it, and see where things go. You don't have to decide anything right now. Give yourself some more time to figure out what you want."

"Sure," Lorelai said sarcastically. "I'm thinking I'll have it figured out by the time your sister's ready to go to college."

"God, that still sounds so weird," Rory said with a soft smile.

"What? That you're going to have a sister?" Lorelai smiled back.

"There you go again—saying weird things."

"It's a good weird though, right?"

"It's a _very_ good weird," Rory assured. "I just…can't believe I'm going to be a sister."

"You _already_ _are_ a sister," Lorelai reminded her.

"Yeah, but…it's not the same with Gigi. She's my sister, but not like this kid will be."

"You know something I don't?" Lorelai joked.

"Ha-ha," Rory answered, rolling her eyes.

"Seriously though," her mother prompted, looking for her to elaborate.

"I don't know," Rory continued uncomfortably. "I guess, with Gigi, I just always thought about her as belonging to Dad, so it feels different because…this kiddo's going to belong to you and…I belong to you too."

"Aw, hun," Lorelai mumbled.

"I know—completely cheesy," Rory said in embarrassment.

"Oh, completely," she answered. "But in that way that's really nice for your emotional puddle of a mother to hear."

"Let's change the subject before I make you start crying."

"Yep—good idea. So tell me what else is new? I feel like we haven't talked about anything but me and my drama in so long."

Lorelai noticed her daughter's expression change immediately. "What? What is it?"

"Well, there's one thing I've been meaning to mention," Rory started hesitantly. "But…I don't think…you're going to want to talk about it, and…it definitely has to do with you."

"What is it?" she replied with concern.

"Grandpa called me the other day," Rory said slowly.

" _Ahh_."

"He and Grandma are getting back from their trip next week."

"Of course they are," Lorelai added, waiting for Rory to say what she knew was coming next.

"And…they wanted to see if we'd be there for dinner on Friday."

"Yeah, you're right—I definitely don't want to talk about that."

"Mom, you haven't seen them in over a month."

"I'm well aware."

"You're going to have to see them eventually."

"Eventually is a _lovely_ time of day, my friend."

"You have to tell them."

"Or, you know what I could do instead? I could _not_ tell them."

"You've already kind of put it off too long. I get why you didn't want to tell them before they went out of town in May, but you _have_ to tell them soon or—"

"Or what? What horrible fate will befall me?"

"Or…or you're not going to have to actually _say_ anything for them to figure it out," Rory said, raising her eyebrows to emphasize her point.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lorelai said, feeling a slight sting.

"It means… you're…kind of… _showing_ ," Rory said sympathetically.

"Not that much!" Lorelai insisted.

"Yeah, denial isn't going to fix this problem because you… _definitely_ are," Rory said shaking her head.

Lorelai countered, "Telling them I'm pregnant isn't going to fix this problem either. It will, in fact, create an entirely _new_ problem."

"But it'll be _so_ much worse if they find out from someone other than you."

"Will it though?" Lorelai said skeptically. "They're going to flip out either way, and, if they find out from someone else, I don't have to actually be there when they do flip out. That seems like a win-win to me because, believe me, my capacity to handle a flip out right now is exceedingly low."

"Maybe it won't be that bad?" Rory offered weakly.

"I have first hand experience that says otherwise," Lorelai replied dryly.

"Yeah, but you're also not sixteen anymore," she countered.

"You're absolutely right. I'm just thirty-eight, unmarried, not in a relationship with the father of my child, and am uncertain if I ever will be. That's definitely _much_ better," she said dryly. "I'm sure Emily and Richard will be _thrilled_."

"Wouldn't you rather just get it out of the way?"

"I think the fact that I haven't told them yet answers that question."

"You won't be alone. I'll be there—I can help if they flip—I can be a distraction."

"I don't think an entire theater troop in their living room performing medleys from _Cats_ would be a big enough distraction," Lorelai replied. "Besides, it's…not just their flip out that I'm worried about."

"You think you're going to have a panic attack?" Rory guessed.

"The thought _did_ cross my mind."

"But you've only had one more since you started going to therapy."

"Yeah, and the thought of telling my parents makes me feel like I'm going to have another," she said pointedly.

"Tell you what—if they get upset, we can bail immediately, and you won't have to talk to them again until after the baby's born if it's too much. I'll make sure of it," Rory promised.

"Rory, I don't know," she said, shaking her head softly and rubbing her left temple. "I just…this isn't going to go well. I've heard them go on about what a disappointment I am since I was sixteen, and I'm used to it. But my ability to shield—and censor—myself is a little depleted right now."

"Mom, you're not a disappointment," her daughter said, offended on her mother's behalf.

"They're…not going to see it that way. This is going to be salt in a wound that's been open for a _very_ long time, which I get, but…I'm having a hard enough time right now, and I don't need your grandparents piling on."

"I just…I don't want you to regret not telling them yourself…because we both know they're going to find out and if it's from anyone other than you, they're going to be really hurt," Rory replied, "Especially Grandma."

"I know." Lorelai sighed, before adding, "Alright, fine."

"Really?" Rory brightened.

"Yeah, I'll tell them next Friday at dinner—which I am apparently going to attend," Lorelai groaned. "I hate it when I let you talk me into doing things. I would really much rather _never_ do things."

"It'll be fine, mom. I promise."

"You wanna bet?" Lorelai said with a hollow chuckle.

* * *

"Will you please relax?" Rory begged as she stood in her grandparent's driveway with Lorelai that Friday. "You look _fine_ , and they're going to know something's up if you act this weird inside."

"They're going to see it right away," Lorelai said, fidgeting with the outfit that she had finally settled on wearing.

"No, they're not," she assured. "Your jacket's covering most of it, and the high waist on your dress is helping too."

"No, it's not," Lorelai whined. "I look pregnant."

"You don't look pregnant," Rory lied. "You look—"

"Fat?" she finished bluntly.

"Look, I'm trying to be supportive, but I really don't know what you want from me here," her daughter answered, holding her hands up in defense.

"Let's just get this over with," Lorelai mumbled as she rang the bell.

"Lorelai, Rory!" Emily greeted as she opened the door.

"Hi grandma," Rory smiled brightly while Lorelai used her as a shield.

"Well, come in, come in," Emily continued, ushering them into the living room where Richard already stood at the drink cart. Lorelai did her best to inconspicuously pull her jacket around to cover herself as she and Rory took a seat on the sofa.

"Rory, Lorelai," Richard nodded when they entered. "What would you both like to drink?"

"Water, for me, please," Rory answered.

"Ditto," Lorelai added quickly.

"You're having water?" Richard questioned, eyebrows raised.

"Uh, yeah, I…ate something funny at lunch, and it's just not sitting right with me, so I'll just stick with water," Lorelai supplied. Rory eyed her mother for the suspicious delivery of her answer.

"Alright, here we are," Richard said as he brought the drinks over to them and took a seat in one of the large chairs next to Emily. "It's been so long since we've seen you girls. What is new with you both?"

When Lorelai made no move to respond, Rory volunteered, "Nothing much is new with me. My summer classes are keeping me pretty occupied."

"Good, good," he nodded. "And what are you taking again?"

"This session—I'm in Women in Modern Literature and Classical Mythology. Next session, it'll be Gender and Politics and a writing seminar."

"Four classes for the summer—that's quite the course load," he commented.

"Well, if I take four this summer, then I don't have to try to squeeze in any extra classes during the year, and I can still graduate on time."

"Well, that's wonderful!" he smiled before turning to his daughter. "And Lorelai, what is new in your life?"

"Oh, not much going on with me," she lied. Rory gave her a less-than-subtle look suggesting she should just tell them and get it over with, causing Lorelai to sheepishly add, "Well, I guess…there is _one_ thing."

"Well, let's hear it," Richard encouraged as Emily was eerily quiet beside him.

"It's kind of big news actually…and…and I'm happy about it, and… and Rory's happy about it, right Rory?"

" _Very_ happy," Rory supplied helpfully.

"Lorelai, just tell us," Richard interjected with a chuckle, not sensing his daughter's reticence in the least.

"Right, well, see…the thing is…the thing is that I am, as it turns out…I am…slightly… pregnant. I guess slightly isn't exactly the right word. It's really a 'you are' or 'you aren't' kind of thing—and I…I definitely am," Lorelai babbled, holding her breath as she waited for their response.

"I thought you and Luke had broken up?" Richard finally said, somewhat stunned and confused.

"Well, we did," she replied slowly. "This happened…before that."

"Are you getting back together?" Emily probed, inferring the answer from Lorelai's silence. "Of course you aren't—why did I ask such a silly question?"

"Mom, it's…it's complicated," Lorelai said distantly.

"It's actually not complicated at all unless you _make it_ complicated," Emily said sharply. "Can you explain why, once again, you've put yourself in this situation? How you could let this happen _again_?"

"Grandma," Rory interjected. "I know this is a lot to take in, but maybe we should just take a breath."

"Is that why you're wearing that absurd jacket in the middle of June?" Emily said, ignoring Rory's call for civility. "You're showing already, aren't you?"

"Maybe," Lorelai admitted.

"How far along are you?" Emily asked.

"Not that far," Lorelai whispered.

"How far?" she repeated.

"Sixteen weeks."

"Sixteen weeks!" Emily exclaimed. "Lorelai, I just don't understand how you could let this happen. I mean honestly, of all the irresponsible things—and then to hide it from us."

"I wasn't hiding it from you, mom," she replied, rubbing her forehead in attempt to ward off a sudden bought of lightheadedness.

"Really? You're almost halfway through your pregnancy, and you weren't hiding it?"

"It's not halfway for another 4 weeks—and lots of people wait until after the first trimester to tell people," she defended.

"I am not _people_ —I am your _mother_ ," Emily said firmly. "So…let me make sure I understand the situation. You're 4 months pregnant with the child of a man that you have no intention of marrying?"

"Yeah, I'm not doing this," Lorelai exhaled, feeling her blood start to boil. She turned to look at her daughter and added, "Rory, hun, I'm going to head out. I'll see you at home."

"You are _not_ just going to walk away," Emily tossed as she followed her daughter into the foyer.

"Emily, please," Richard said, trying to calm her, to no avail.

"Lorelai Gilmore, you come back here!" Emily continued.

"Grandma, stop!" Rory supplied, failing to get her grandmother's attention.

"Lorelai, we are not done here!" Emily shouted.

"Oh, we are so _very_ done." Lorelai said, feeling something burst inside of her and the last of her filter dissipate, as she turned to face her mother. "You want the truth? You're right. I _was_ hiding it because I was _dreading_ telling you. And you know why? Because I _knew_ how you would react. I _knew_ you would make me feel… awful about it. And I didn't _want_ to feel awful about it. Because I _want_ this baby—which I know is a feeling _you_ may not be familiar with."

"And you know what the worst part is?" Lorelai said in a pained voice. "The _worst_ part is that…deep down I hoped I was wrong. I _always_ hope that it'll be different, but it _never_ is—I am nothing but a constant disappointment to you, and I have never been able to live up to your expectations. Hell, I'm not even sure if…if you even actually… _love_ me. So I'm _done_. I'm _done_ listening to you tell me what a failure I am. I'm _done_ with being your biggest regret. I just…I can't do it anymore. I can't come here, and let you do this to me. I _won't_ do it anymore."

"Lorelai—" Emily interjected.

" _No_ ," she said firmly. "We're done here."

As she turned to leave, Lorelai suddenly felt her vision begin to blur. When she started to lose her balance, she quickly reached out in an attempt to grab the wall for support. The last thing she remembered was Rory calling her name—before everything went dark.


	11. The Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> -I'm obviously not a doctor, so I apologize in advance for any medical inaccuracies.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Suggested Listening: Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

_16 Weeks_

"Well, you certainly know how to have a good time on a Friday," Dr. Cline said in greeting as she entered Lorelai's hospital room.

"That's me—I really know how to party," Lorelai replied dryly, reaching for the tenth time to adjust the oxygen tube around her ears. Rory looked at her disapprovingly and pulled at her mother's hand in an effort to get her to stop tampering with it.

Dr. Cline smiled before continuing, "I spoke with the on-call doctor who did your exam in the E.R., and the good news is that it looks like everything's good with the baby—it doesn't seem like there was any trauma or damage from when you fell."

"And what's the bad news?" Rory nervously interjected.

"Well, obviously, your mom passed out," Dr. Cline supplied. "Fainting is not uncommon when you're pregnant. There are a few reasons it can happen, but one of the big ones is stress. Essentially, when you're blood pressure gets too high, your body can signal for your heart to slow down in response—in order to lower your blood pressure back down. Sometimes it goes so low though that you can end up losing consciousness. Were you feeling particularly stressed right before you fainted?"

"That's putting it mildly," Lorelai said dryly.

"I see," the doctor nodded. "I know we've talked about your blood pressure issues before, but if it was so high that it caused you to faint, along with what I'm seeing in your blood work from tonight, then I think we've reached the point where we need to have a more in-depth conversation about where we go from here. I'm concerned that we might be headed toward some of the complications we talked about."

"What kind of complications?" Rory rushed.

Seeing the doctor's hesitation to answer Rory's question, Lorelai nodded, "It's okay. She can hear anything you're going to say."

Dr. Cline continued, "Well, preeclampsia's what I'm most concerned about right now. That's a condition that develops around the 20-week mark. It reduces blood flow to the placenta, which can restrict fetal growth and can cause complications like premature delivery and placental abruption. Since high blood pressure and maternal age are two of the big risk factors for preeclampsia, I'm particularly concerned here."

"She's saying I'm old," Lorelai said in an attempt to lighten the mood, but Rory ignored her and asked in a worried voice, "But you can fix it, right?"

"The main goal right now is to reduce the chances that your mom's high blood pressure develops into preeclampsia."

"How do we do that?" Rory pressed.

"I'd like to recommend that your mom go on bed rest for the next two weeks—possibly longer if we're not seeing an improvement. It's not full proof, but I've had some success when other patients have tried it for short periods."

Lorelai groaned in response.

"I'm sorry—I know I said we'd try to avoid it, but I just don't think there's another option at this point," Dr. Cline said sympathetically. "I can schedule you for a check-up in two weeks to reevaluate things. If you're blood pressure's improved, then we can take you off bed rest and go from there."

"And if it's not better then?" Lorelai said, eyeing Dr. Cline.

"Why don't we cross that bridge when we come to it?" the doctor suggested.

"That's _very_ reassuring," she sighed. "So when can I get out of here?"

"I'd like to keep you overnight for observation, but you can go home in the morning. Do you have any other questions?" Dr. Cline said, looking to both Lorelai and Rory.

"I'm sure I will," Rory replied as she rubbed her forehead, clearly overwhelmed. "My mind is kind of reeling right now."

"Take your time, and if either of you think of anything, you can have the nurse page me. You can also always follow up with my office once your mom's discharged."

When the doctor left, Rory continued to sit quietly in the chair next to Lorelai's bed.

Seeing the worry on her daughter's face, Lorelai reached for her hand and soothed, "I'm okay, kid."

"Why didn't you tell me about the complications? It sounds like you already knew about all that stuff," Rory accused.

"Honey, you've been so worried since I told you I was pregnant, I just…didn't want to pile on."

"You can't do that, okay? I'm not a little kid anymore, and you have to tell me when something serious is going on—especially if it involves your health."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"I was just…so worried, mom." Rory mumbled, holding onto Lorelai like a lifeline. "We all were."

"Are they still here?" Lorelai asked. She knew her parents had followed them to the hospital, but they had wisely kept out of her sight.

"Yeah," Rory admitted. "They're in the waiting room. Grandma was…I've never seen her like that."

"Seen her like what? Berating doctors?"

"I'm serious, mom. She was…I've never seen her like that—not even when Grandpa was in the hospital," Rory said softly. "She asked if she could come in when I went out there earlier, but I…wasn't sure if you'd want her here."

"You mean since I exploded at her at the house?"

"Something like that," Rory murmured. "Mom, I'm _so_ sorry."

"For what?" Lorelai replied with confusion.

"For pushing you to tell them. I feel like this is kind of my fault—"

"Rory," Lorelai said firmly. "This is _not_ your fault."

"I didn't realize how serious things were! I wouldn't have pushed you to tell them if I had known things were this bad. You said you thought it wasn't going to go well—I should have listened to you," Rory said shamefully, not able to meet her mom's eyes. "Maybe this wouldn't have happened."

"Rory, look at me. You didn't do _anything_ wrong. You didn't make me tell them. I'm a big girl, and I _chose_ to tell them. This is not your fault, okay?"

"Yeah," Rory said, unconvinced. "Lets just…talk about something else."

"I guess…I should probably call Luke," Lorelai sighed.

Rory looked down at the floor before answering, "Yeah, I may have…sort of…done that when they were moving you up here from the E.R."

"Rory!"

"I'm sorry! I know you guys are in a weird place right now and you had that fight—or whatever you want to call it—but I was so freaked out and I just kept thinking…how much I'd want him to call me if the situation was reversed," Rory defended. "I…barely got it out before he said he was on his way."

"Of course he did," Lorelai sighed, dropping her head back onto the pillow.

"Mom," Rory said, hesitating to change the subject. "Did you… really mean all that stuff you said back at the house?"

"Based on the look on your face, I must have given quite the performance," Lorelai deflected.

"I've never heard you talk like that. I've heard you push back against them for me or when you were angry, but you've never talked like that," Rory continued. "You just sounded so…hurt. I don't know why I never put that together—that they hurt you that much—that you were in that much pain."

Lorelai squeezed her daughter's hand, "I shouldn't have said all that—I'm sure I'll have to deal with fallout soon enough. You don't have to worry about me though—I'm okay."

"I know I don't _have_ to worry but…I do," she paused. "Did you…mean to say all that?"

"I didn't exactly have time to process what was happening before I ended up on the floor."

"Yeah, I'm going to vote you not do that again," Rory said, forcing a smile.

"I'll work on that—for you."

"And for her," Rory added, nodding her head toward where her sister currently resided.

"Yeah—for her too," Lorelai smiled.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Luke arrived in a state of panic. Lorelai's assurances that she was all right helped bring him down, but he remained heightened when she added that the doctor had put her on best rest.

"You should head home. It's almost midnight," Lorelai suggested, seeing Rory start to doze off. Both Rory and Luke had been camped out in her small hospital room for hours. While she and Rory had chatted, Luke remained mostly silent, sitting in a chair in the far corner.

"No, I'm good," her daughter replied through a yawn.

"Seriously, you look exhausted. Why don't you head home? Get some sleep, and then you can come back in the morning and bring me some stuff from the house—like clothes—not that I'm not enjoying this ensemble," Lorelai said, pulling at her hospital gown.

"Are you sure?" Rory asked hesitantly.

"That I don't want to wear this hospital gown home? Yes, I'm quite sure."

Relaxing at Lorelai's attempt at a joke, Rory conceded, "I guess I am pretty beat. I'll be back bright and early though."

"I'm counting the minutes, sweets," Lorelai smiled. "Now get out of here."

Rory leaned in to hug her mom. "Love you," she whispered.

"Love you too."

Walking to the door, Rory turned back again, and looked to Luke, "Take care of her?"

"You got it," he replied with a knowing look, both of them knowing he wasn't going to be leaving that night.

With Rory gone, Luke hesitantly moved to the chair she had vacated next to the bed after Lorelai had gestured for him to switch seats.

"Did Dr. Cline answer all your questions when you talked to her?" she asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"Uh, yeah," Luke replied, somewhat startled. "I'm…sure I'll think of more things to ask later, but my mind was kind of a blur."

"Yeah, Rory said the same thing," she said with a sad smile.

"You scared the crap out of me," Luke said in a soft but stern voice.

"Funny, Rory said that too," she replied lightly.

"Lorelai, I'm serious. When Rory called me, I almost—" Luke stopped himself, his voice breaking, struggling to look at her. "I just…I don't want anything to happen to you."

"I know," she said gently, but Luke said nothing in reply.

"Hey," Lorelai said softly, trying to get his attention. "You want to feel something cool?"

He looked at her with confusion as she reached for his hand and placed it firmly on the curve of her stomach.

"Push down a little bit," Lorelai said, her eyes closed. When he didn't comply, she added, "You're not going to hurt me—push down."

His mind was occupied with the feeling of her hand on his when he felt it—like something was pushing back against his palm.

" _There_ ," she said with an easy smile.

"Is that…that's—"

"That's our girl."

"When did that start?" he asked, eyes wide.

"I've been feeling flutters for a few weeks, but nothing strong enough to feel on the outside. With all the excitement tonight though, I guess she wanted to make her presence known."

"That's…unbelievable," he said in awe.

The happiness of the moment held a few seconds longer before they were brought back to reality. Luke's smile dropped, and he slowly slipped his hand away from hers.

"Dr. Cline, she said you were going to have to be on bed rest for a few weeks," Luke started, changing the subject.

"It'll be fine," she answered, hearing the worry in his voice.

"Rory's doing the summer thing though, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she is," Lorelai exhaled, sensing where this conversation was going.

"I'd…I'd like to help—if you'll let me," he said quietly.

"Luke, I don't know—"

"You can't stay by yourself," he insisted. "I'm here, and I want to help. I can sleep on the couch or something."

"You really want to stay with me?" she asked in surprise.

"I'd just…I'll feel better if I'm there. I won't worry as much…if I know you're okay. I promise—you won't even know I'm there unless you need something."

"Please, Lorelai," he begged when she didn't respond.

His worry was plain on his face, and Lorelai had no choice but to answer, "Yeah, that would be…that would be great."


	12. Bed Rest, Week 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening (Scene 3): Recording 15 by Shannon Lay

_ 16-17 Weeks _

"All comfy?" Rory asked cheerfully as she finished tucking her mother into bed. After picking Lorelai up from the hospital that morning, she had been anxious to get her home and in bed, per the doctor's orders.

"I don't know," Lorelai replied with faux-skepticism. "I don't know if the ten _thousand_ pillows I have here will sustain me."

"You sass is not appreciated," Rory said dryly.

"My sass is _always_ appreciated."

"Yeah, you're hilarious," her daughter droned. "So, I'm going to run over to the inn really quick, and get the Dr. Cline approved meals that Sookie made for you, and then we can watch some DVDs when I get back. You need anything while I'm out?"

"I'm good. You, however, have a paper to write," Lorelai replied pointedly.

"Yeah, so?" Rory answered with a hint of defensiveness.

" _So_ ," Lorelai said slowly. "You should be studying. You don't need to babysit me."

"I'm here. Get used to it," her daughter said sternly. "Besides, I'm not going to get anything done if I'm worrying about you. If I can hang for a while, then I'll actually be relaxed enough to get something done."

"Alright," she answered in resignation. "But if you need to study, you can, okay? I'm more than capable of entertaining myself. I've got the TV here and the two hundred magazines you've gathered up."

"I know. I promise—we'll watch some movies, and I'll work on my paper tonight."

"And then you'll go back to school on Monday," Lorelai added, clearly framing her words as a statement and not a question.

"I'll play it by ear," Rory replied in non-committal tone.

"No—wrong answer. You have class on Monday. You're going back to school."

"But, mom—"

"No buts—I'll be _fine_. I'll be _bored_ but _fine_."

"You need help," her daughter insisted.

"I'm not an invalid, Rory. I can take care of myself—been doing that for a couple of years now. I can get whatever I need."

" _No_ ," her daughter corrected. "Dr. Cline was _really_ clear that if you only want this to last two weeks then you are _only_ supposed to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, and _that's it_. Which means you can't be here by yourself. If you need something or you get hungry or whatever, someone needs to be here."

"Well, I won't _be_ myself." Lorelai paused before adding, "Last night, after you left, Luke and I talked, and he…asked if he could help, and I said yes."

"Well, I'm glad he'll be checking in and everything, but—"

"He's actually…he's going to stay here."

"Really?" Rory said, raising her eyebrows in surprise.

"He will be sleeping on the _sofa_ ," Lorelai replied, shutting down the perceived implication.

"I wasn't thinking _that_ ," she replied. "I'm just wondering…are you really okay with that? With him being here that much?"

"I don't know that I have much of a choice."

"Of course you do. I have class Monday, but I can get back here—"

"No, you _really_ can't," Lorelai interrupted. "Rory, you need to be at school. You told me yesterday—before all this happened—that you were trying to prep for finals, and then your other summer session starts just a few days after your exams are over. I appreciate your concern, but I will be _fine_ here with Luke."

"You won't be if he's stressing you out," she countered.

"Hun, it'll be fine," Lorelai insisted.

"I'm still coming back next weekend," Rory said defiantly.

"I can live with that compromise," her mom smiled. "Now, go get the food, so we can start watching!"

* * *

When Monday morning came, Rory was still hesitant about leaving Lorelai, but after continued reassurance, and a bit of outright badgering from her mom, she finally agreed. As she loaded her bag into the car, she was surprised to see Luke's green truck pull into the driveway.

"Hey, Rory," Luke nodded as he exited the truck, a small duffle bag in his right hand.

"Hey, Luke," she said with a sincere but weak smile.

"You heading back to school?"

"Yeah, I've got a big paper due this week and a final to study for," she answered. "I'm glad you're going to be here though. I'd be too worried to go otherwise."

"Well, you don't have to worry," Luke assured. "I'll make sure she's okay."

"I know you will," Rory concurred.

"Is your mom awake? I thought I'd drop this inside," he said, pointing to his bag. "And then pop up to see if she needs anything before I head back to the diner for a couple of hours."

"She should be—I got her some breakfast, so she's probably good for now."

Luke hesitated before asking, "How…how's she doing?"

Rory smiled sadly at him, his worry obvious in the question. "She seems…good. We watched a bunch of movies and just talked a lot. She actually doesn't seem too stressed about the whole thing, but…I'm not sure how much of that is a front."

"I'm sure she just doesn't want to worry you."

"Yeah, I know."

"Can I ask," he began hesitantly. "How things are with your grandparents? After the other night? Your mom didn't tell me too much about what happened, but from what she did say it sounded…bad."

"It was," Rory confirmed quietly.

"I don't, uh, I don't want to pry, but she didn't mention them when I called yesterday or Saturday, and I didn't want to push but…I'm just wondering if I need to be prepared for something—for them to—"

"You _definitely_ don't need to be prepared for something," Rory answered firmly. "I told them the other night to give her some space, so they shouldn't be calling here or coming by or bothering her in any way. And if they do, tell me, and I'll take care of it."

"Okay," Luke answered slowly, caught off guard at the traces of anger in her voice.

"I told them that she'd talk to them when she was ready. I made it _really_ clear that they shouldn't bother her. She just…doesn't need them causing problems right now."

"Does…your mom know?" he asked cautiously. "That you told them that?"

Rory sighed, "I didn't tell her exactly what I said or anything, but she knows I talked to them—and that they're going to leave her alone for awhile."

"Is…she okay with that?"

"I think so. I know she doesn't like where they left things, but she knows that seeing them…isn't going to be good for her right now."

"Rory, are…are _you_ okay?" he asked sincerely.

"I'm fine," she answered shortly.

When Luke looked at her skeptically, she added, "I'm…acceptable. It's been…it's been a rough couple of days."

"Yeah," he said softly. "I get that."

"Yeah," she repeated, catching his—both of them knowing what he was letting go unsaid.

"Well, I, uh, I should just…drop this inside," he said awkwardly, gesturing to his bag.

When he had reached the front steps, Rory called after him, "Hey, Luke?"

"Yeah?" he said, turning back.

"Be careful with her?" she said seriously. "I know you want to help and you wouldn't ever do it on purpose, but…just don't hurt her."

"Oh, Rory—" Luke started.

"You don't have to say anything—I just… I needed to say that," she finished. "Anyway, I should get going. Babette's going to come over in a bit to hang out with her, and then Lane's going to come by after that. You'll be back tonight though, right?

"Um, yeah—yeah, I'll be here."

"Okay, good. I'll see you later than," Rory nodded. Seeing his nod in reply, she quickly entered her car and pulled away, leaving Luke on the front porch still slightly stunned at her last words.

* * *

Within a few days, Luke and Lorelai had established a routine. Every morning, he would get her breakfast before heading to the diner for the day. Rory would arrange for someone to be there to keep Lorelai company as much as possible, and she herself called multiple times a day. Then in the evening, Luke would come home, and they would have dinner together in her room.

As Lorelai expected, the first night had been awkward. Luke's concern was still evident, but the reality of living together—even if only temporarily—began to set in, and the tension that had colored their relationship of late returned. She tried desperately to ease the tension—keeping things light and ignoring the elephant in the room. By the fifth night, Lorelai was pleasantly surprised to find that her tactic had worked, and that things had melted into a comfortable normality—so much so that sometimes she forgot, just for a moment, where things stood between them.

"Will you talk with me for a while?" she asked him after dinner on the sixth evening.

"Uh, yeah, I can do that," he answered, surprised at her request. He moved toward the empty chair near the bed where he'd been sitting while they shared dinner.

"Actually—can…would you sit with me?" she requested, stopping him in his tracks as she gestured to the empty side of the bed. He felt frozen but found him self complying before he could consider the implications.

His back stiffened against the headboard when he realized that he was sitting on what was once _his_ side of the bed, so he nervously looked down at his hands just as she turned on her side to face him.

"So, I talked to my therapist today," Lorelai started. "She's actually going to come next week and see me here."

"That's…great," he replied, unsure of exactly how he was supposed to respond. Lorelai hadn't mentioned much about therapy beyond the fact that she was attending, and he hadn't felt comfortable broaching the subject beyond that.

"It's been helping," she continued. "Going to therapy, I mean. She's helped a lot with the panic attacks, but she's helping with…other stuff too. It's been…good."

"Well, good—that's good," Luke answered dumbly, feeling at a loss for how else to respond.

Lorelai sighed, frustrated with herself. "What…what I'm trying to say, not well apparently, is that…I haven't forgotten about what I said. I'm really trying to work through everything. I'm trying to process everything—everything with us I mean."

"Oh," Luke answered quietly. Neither of them had mentioned her declarations at the diner since that night, and since he'd gotten the call she was in the hospital, he hadn't even considered bringing it up.

"I really do want to be able to talk about everything. I just…I wanted you to know that," Lorelai said, turning her head slightly on the pillow to face him more directly. "I didn't mean to make things weird. Let's just…talk about something else."

"Uh, okay," Luke replied, trying to shake off the heaviness of what she'd just told him. "What…what do you want to talk about?"

She paused briefly to consider the question—allowing a brightness to cover her face when she landed on answer. "Well, actually, since I have a lot of time on my hands these days, it occurred to me that we should start talking about names."

"Names?" he asked, his mind not processing her meaning.

"Yeah," she smirked, seeing his confusion. "You know—for our kid?"

"Right!" he replied in understanding.

"Rory's name came from a mixture of feminism, impulse, and Demerol," she said lightly, smiling at the memory. "Since it's not just me this time though, I wanted to…I thought it would be nice if we…picked something together."

"Yeah, I'd like that too," Luke smiled back.

"I've been thinking—I want something with a good nickname."

"Like Rory," he said knowingly.

"Rory is Rory to prevent confusion. I want something with a nickname though because… I like the idea of giving her options. I want her to like her name—what if she doesn't like what we pick?"

"Of course she'll like it. It'll be her name," he reasoned.

"Yeah, but haven't you ever met someone and thought—wow, that name just doesn't go with you or your personality? It may sound weird, but I want to pick something that fits her, which is hard since I don't actually know her yet. If it has a good nickname though, she's not just stuck with whatever we choose."

"Okay," he laughed lightly. "Any other requirements?"

"I'd like it to mean something—for it to be significant to us—not just something we like."

"Okay," he agreed. "Those stipulations are going to narrow down the options. Any ideas of what might fit that description?"

"I might have _one_ idea," she admitted.

"Well, let's hear it," he replied.

"I was actually thinking," she said quietly. "What if we called her Charlotte? Then, we could call her Charlie—and it's a name that…definitely means something to us."

Luke waited a beat before responding, "Y-you want to name her after my mom?"

"Do you like the idea?" she inquired gently.

"Yeah," he exhaled. "I'd…I'd love that."

"Yeah?" she smiled.

"Yeah," he whispered back. "So… _Charlotte_."

"I didn't think it'd be that easy," Lorelai joked.

"She still needs a middle name though and a—" Luke stopped himself mid-sentence.

"A what?" she asked gently.

"A last name," he finished, their eyes meeting as he did.

"Ah," she said in understanding. "How do you…what do you want to do about that part?"

He paused for a moment, playing with the hem of his shirt as he considered her question. "I think… it should be Gilmore—Charlotte Gilmore."

"Really?" Lorelai replied with slight surprise.

"Yeah," he breathed heavily. "I mean…that's your name."

"Is this…is this about what you said a few weeks ago—when you gave me the rocking chair? You were talking about her needing me more," she hesitated. "You don't think she's more _mine_ or something, do you?"

"It's not that," he insisted.

"Good, because she's _ours_ —you know that, right?"

"I do know that," he assured.

"Then why…" she trailed off, waiting for him to finish.

"I don't know. I guess…my name—it's just a name. I don't really feel anything when I think about it—not like I do with…with your name. With your name—it's like it's part of who you are or something. You're Lorelai Gilmore. I can't really imagine you _not_ being Lorelai Gilmore. And Rory, she's a Gilmore too, so I guess," he paused. "I want our girl to have that too—I want her to be connected to you and Rory."

"I…I want her to be connected to you too though," Lorelai replied gently.

"She will be," he said with certainty.

"Yeah, but—"

"Lorelai," Luke interjected, looking at her directly. "She's not even here yet, and I already love her so much. We're _already_ connected. I mean—I'm going to be her _dad_. Having your last name won't change that."

Lorelai's mouth hung open slightly at his words. Before she could question herself, she reached over and pulled him into a gentle kiss.


	13. Bed Rest, Week 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening (Scene 2): Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan

_18 Weeks_

"Thanks again for doing this—I know you don't usually do house calls," Lorelai said, gesturing to her bedroom.

"Not a problem—I'm happy to do it," Casey replied. "I know bed rest isn't always easy, so I'm just glad we could make it work. How have things been going?"

"It sucks," Lorelai said dryly.

Casey smiled at her bluntness before asking, "What's been most difficult?"

"I feel so _useless_ ," she complained. "I'm supposed to rely on people for everything, and I feel like I'm putting everyone out."

"Like who?"

"You, Rory…Luke."

"Luke's been helping?"

"Yeah, he's been great. Rory's busy with her summer classes, so he's actually staying here right now," Lorelai said, waiting for Casey's reaction. When she gave none, Lorelai continued, "It's been a little weird—having him here I mean."

"How so?"

"He's still working during the day, but we've been hanging out together—so he's been sitting with me while I have dinner, and we've just been…talking."

"Why has that been weird?"

"This is the most he's been around since before we broke up. I mean he's been to the house, and we've been around each other and everything, but we haven't had a…routine.

Having that again now, I sometimes forget that things are different. It feels easy for a minute, and then…I remember."

"Have you spoken at all about what happened before you were put on bed rest?" Casey asked, referring to Lorelai's declarations in the diner the week before her hospitalization.

"No, we've avoided that subject with expert skill, although I sort of brought it up the other night."

When she said nothing more, Casey softly encouraged, "Do you…want to tell me about it?"

Lorelai only sighed heavily in response.

"You don't have to share anything you're not ready to," her therapist said knowingly.

"No—I should talk about it. I'm just mad at myself for…letting something happen," Lorelai replied. "So…the other night, after we had dinner together, Luke cleaned up and then came back in here to see if I needed anything else before he got ready for bed, and I asked him…to sit on the bed next to me and talk for awhile. Things had just been so _nice_. We were laughing a little at dinner, and I just…missed him."

"That understandable," she empathized.

"I told him a little about what I was working on in therapy—that I'm trying to do what I said and work through everything that happened with us."

"How did that go?"

"He didn't say much."

"Did you want him to?"

"I don't know—I think him not saying much had more to do with him not wanting to stress me out than him actually not having anything to say about the situation."

"Did…something else happen?" Casey asked, sensing Lorelai's hesitation to continue.

"We talked for a little while after that about baby names—and we actually settled on one—and then he…brought up her last name. I asked him what he wanted to do about that, and he said he wants her to have my name."

"You seem surprised," her therapist observed.

"I was a little. He's never seemed like one of those guys that's big on 'passing down the family name' or whatever, but I thought he might want her to have his name. April doesn't, and this might be the only kid he has that would. When I asked him why he wanted her to have my name, he said this really sweet thing—that my name meant something to him and that he wants our daughter to be connected to me and to Rory."

"That is very sweet," Casey agreed. "How did it feel to hear him say that?"

"It worried me at first. He said something a while ago about how she's going to need me more, so I thought he might be saying it because he was being down on himself or feeling left out."

"Did you tell him that?"

Lorelai nodded affirmatively, adding, "Then…then he said that…he loves her already and that he'll be her dad and that her having my last name wouldn't change any of that."

"Based on how much it sounds like he already cares for your daughter, and how supportive he's been to you, I think he's probably right about that," Casey comforted.

"It was just so… _Luke_. He's not always good with saying how he feels, but when he does he has this way of…being very direct—and it usually makes me forget how to think. Which is probably why, after he said that stuff to me, I…kissed him."

"Is that the 'something' you were mad that you let happen?" her therapist guessed, remembering how the conversation had started.

"I don't know what happened," Lorelai answered in frustration. "We were talking, and then…I just kissed him."

"Why do you think you're so angry with yourself about it?"

"Because it's selfish. I told him that I needed time," she supplied. "I told him I needed time to decided if I even _wanted_ to fix things, and then I muddy everything up."

"Did you though? Muddy things?" Casey questioned thoughtfully.

"I don't see how kissing him when I can't say that I want to get back together isn't sending mixed signals."

"Let's take a step back for a minute—why do you think you kissed him in the first place? What were you feeling in that moment?"

"I felt _safe_. I've been so stressed and things have felt so uncertain, and when he said all that stuff—he just sounded so sure of himself. It felt good to hear. It felt…like how it was supposed to be—how I'd always wanted it to be."

"You've talked before about your mistrust of Luke when it comes to your relationship, and I know you've shared that with him too. It sounds like, at least in that moment, you weren't having those feelings of mistrust."

"Yeah, I guess I wasn't," Lorelai realized. "It just felt…good—normal even."

"In that case, I'd say the kiss probably didn't muddy the waters—it might have even made things clearer for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you've been concerned that you might not be able to get past the trust issues you've been having—that you might not be able to forgive Luke in a way that would allow you to resume your relationship. If you weren't feeling that mistrust, even if only briefly, it tells me that you at least have the capacity to potentially get there," Casey concluded.

"But it was just a minute, and then I regretted it pretty much right away."

"You may have regretted _acting_ on your feelings by initiating the kiss, but that doesn't change the underlying feeling itself," Casey countered. "Look, I'm not saying this means you'll definitively be able to get to that place of trust again—it just suggests to me that you might actually be on your way and not even realize it."

"I want to get all the way there—get back to where we were—but every time I think about it, I just feel so overwhelmed with those feelings," Lorelai said, somewhat absently.

"Do you know that's the first time you've said that?" Casey observed.

"Said what?"

"When you talk about your relationship with Luke, you usually talk about how conflicted or uncertain you feel. That's the first time I've ever heard you definitively say that you want to resume the relationship."

"I…I didn't…that's not what I meant to say," Lorelai stumbled to explain.

"It's okay—it doesn't have to mean anything," her therapist soothed. "Do you think it's possible that you're having difficulty admitting that you may already know what you want? That you already know you want to fix things?"

"Why would I be going round and round with this if I knew what I wanted?" she replied, running her hand through her hair.

"Well, you've expressed how much Luke's actions have hurt you in the past—that you're scared to re-enter a romantic relationship. Maybe you're concerned that if you've reached a place where you know that reconciliation is what you want, then you'll actually have to face those fears."

"Why does it always sounds so obvious when you say it?" Lorelai frowned. "Even if that's true though, I still don't know what I want to do. I know that I miss him—I'm just not sure if that's enough to actually make it work—even if it's what I want."

Casey simply nodded, giving her a moment to process.

"God, I hate this," Lorelai exclaimed. "I never used to feel like this. I don't like it. I don't want to feel like…I'm just afraid all the time. I've always known what I wanted, and I've never let fear hold me back. This just isn't who I am."

"Lorelai," Casey interjected. "You have to try not to be so hard on yourself. Struggling to decide what you want to do about your relationship with Luke isn't a character flaw. You're in pain and are preparing to parent another child—it is completely normal and even expected that you're hesitating here."

"I just feel like I spend all my time crying now. I've never let my emotions rule me like this. I've never let myself just turn into this…puddle or let this kind of thing stop me from living my life."

"I don't agree that's what you're doing here, but if you _do_ , then why don't we talk about what you can do to change that."

Lorelai nodded for her to continue.

"You told me that before you would ever actually resume your relationship with Luke, you wanted to talk through how you got here and everything that went wrong."

"Yeah, but I put that off because the thought made me want to freak out," Lorelai pointed out.

"Yes, but you're able to talk to me about those issues, when it was more difficult before, and you're in a better place with Luke than you were when you first told him about the pregnancy. He's shown you that he can remain calm and, for the most part, respect your boundaries."

"How would I even start that conversation?" Lorelai questioned, shaking her head at the idea.

"I think a good place to start would be thinking about exactly what you want to say to him. Writing out the specific issues that you want to discuss can help guide your conversation. That way you can organize your thoughts ahead of time, which might reduce some of your anxiety in the moment."

"What do I do if things get too heated or I start to have a panic attack? I'm supposed to keep my stress levels down."

"I think you're much more prepared to face this than you're giving yourself credit for. You've already had a number of difficult conversations with Luke already, and none of those triggered an attack," Casey said confidentially. "But, if things get too tense or you _do_ feel a panic attack coming on, then you deal with it. Talk with Luke beforehand, and let him know you may need to cut the conversation short—and _tell him_ if you feel an attack coming on so you can both address it."

"I guess…I can try that," Lorelai conceded, hoping that Casey's confidence in her abilities would be enough to help her follow through.

* * *

After Casey left, Lorelai laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. For the next several hours, all she could think about was the "assignment" her therapist had given—to make a list of everything she needed to tell Luke. By the afternoon, she had written exactly nothing on the pad of paper she'd grabbed from the nearby desk.

"Why do you want to be a writer so much?" Lorelai greeted when her daughter called later that afternoon. "Quite frankly, writing seems pretty stupid. How have you been doing it for years? I mean someone just _gives_ you an assignment, and you just have to write what they tell you to write. How do you not just spend an hour staring at the paper?"

"And a big hello to you too!" Rory chuckled. "You want to fill me in what you're talking about. I feel like I missed the beginning of this conversation."

"Nothing," Lorelai said shaking her head. "It's just…I'm supposed to make a _list_."

"A list? What kind of list?"

"My stupid therapist told me that I should make a list of what I…want to talk to Luke about—you know, about our relationship."

"Ah, I see."

"It's really _hard_."

"What do you have so far?"

"I have not written down a single thing, and I have been thinking this non-stop for the past four hours."

"You're putting too much pressure on yourself."

"Really? Because that doesn't sound like me," Lorelai said dryly.

"Okay," Rory paused, considering what to suggest. "So, is the point to write exactly what you want to say? Or just some topics or themes you want to cover?"

"I don't think there's a requirement. It's supposed to help me figure out how to organize my thoughts in a coherent fashion because, apparently, I am not normally coherent."

"Your therapist is very insightful," Rory sassed.

"Ha, ha," Lorelai replied.

Turning back to the subject at hand, her daughter continued, "Okay, well, why don't you try narrowing your prompt? Instead of just every problem you might want to talk with him about, narrow it down to just a few—like your top three. Or, you could also think about everything you said or didn't say—everything you held back. That might help you hone in on what the underlying problems were."

Rory's suggestions were met with silence.

"Mom, you still there?"

"Yeah, kid. I'm here," she mumbled. "Have I mentioned this is hard?

"I know, but, if it helps, I really do think you'll feel better when you get it all out."

"I _really_ hope you're right," Lorelai replied.


	14. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening:
> 
> Scene 2—Waiting by Alice Boman
> 
> End of Chapter—Hurt by You by Emily Warren

_18 Weeks_

"Are you relieved?" Luke asked as he and Lorelai left Dr. Cline's office.

"Relieved doesn't even begin to cover it!" she smiled. "When she said I was done with bed rest, I seriously could have kissed her on the mouth."

"Well, that would have been memorable," he said dryly, but his smile faded, replaced by concern, as he thought back to the reason for the appointment.

"She said that everything looked good," Lorelai reminded him, reading his expression with ease. "She wouldn't have taken me off bed rest if it didn't."

"I know—logically I know that but—"

"You're still worried," she finished.

"I'm sorry," he replied, trying to wave off his anxiety. "I don't mean to be so negative."

"You're not being negative," she corrected. "It's okay for you to be worried. Honestly, it takes some of the pressure off of me because I have a feeling that, between you and Rory, you're both doing enough worrying for all of us."

"Are you really okay though? And I don't just mean physically. I mean…you've been so calm about all this the past couple of weeks. You're not…just pretending you're okay, right?"

Lorelai looked away from him, as if she'd been caught in a lie.

"You can tell me, you know—when you're worried. You don't have to put on a brave face or anything," he mumbled.

"I know that," she said softly. "I'm probably…not as okay as I'm making it seem, but I sort of feel like I don't have another choice—I have to be okay. So, I think I'm just at the point where I'm trying to do the whole fake-it-until-you-make-it thing."

"You know I'm here—if you don't want to fake it."

"I know."

A silence lingered for a moment before Luke added, "So…I guess I'll come by to get my stuff tonight—since you're off bed rest now."

"Right—that's…yeah, that would fine," she answered, having forgotten that the end of bed rest also meant the end of their new routine. "Or…maybe you could just stay one more night?"

"Oh, uh, I…" he stammered, completely caught off guard by her request.

"You don't have to," Lorelai rushed. "I was just thinking…maybe if you did that…we could talk."

"Talk?"

"Yeah—about us."

"Oh," he replied, eyes widened.

"Yeah," she answered, suddenly shy. "See, I promised myself that if I got cleared today that I would tell you I was ready to get into all that."

"Are you though?" he asked skeptically. "Ready, I mean?"

"As ready as I'm going to be. Besides, I don't want to just…keep putting it off.

"We don't have to talk until you're _actually_ ready," Luke insisted. "I'm not in a rush."

Lorelai gave him a knowing look. "Maybe not, but…our daughter is—she's almost halfway to being here, and I don't…I want to know where we're going before she gets here. Besides, do you really think it's working? The not talking thing? Especially…after the other night."

"No," he exhaled, remembering the abrupt kiss she had initiated. "I just…don't want you to do anything you're not really up for."

"And I appreciate that, but I've thought a lot about it—since I've had nothing but time to think—and…I'm ready."

"Okay," he said hesitantly. "If…you're sure."

"I can't guarantee I won't have a…you know," she added, ducking her eyes when she was unable to say panic attack. "But we'll just…deal with it if it happens, right?"

"Right," he nodded, seeming much more confident than he felt.

"Okay, good. So you'll come over tonight? I don't think we're going to solve everything in one conversation, but I figured we could at least start talking about some of the big stuff."

"Yeah, that…sounds good," he stumbled, hoping he didn't sound too nervous.

* * *

"So…how do you want to do this?" Luke asked anxiously as he sat on her sofa that evening.

"I've thought a lot about this," she started as she lowered herself into the chair across from him. "And I think it's important that I tell you how I felt about some of the things that happened between us—things I didn't tell you then. So...I think that means we should start from the beginning—with April."

Luke tensed up at the mention of his daughter's name but quickly forced himself to relax, realizing that his tension had the potential to stop this conversation before it even started. He gently nodded for her to continue, willing himself to relax.

"That day—when I walked in the diner and she was there—I don't think I ever really told you how…hurt I was," she said with a pause, already feeling herself start to well up.

"Lorelai, you know I'm sorry—"

"Luke, let me get this out, okay?" she asked gently.

Taking a deep breath, she continued, "I wasn't honest with you about how hurt I was that you kept that from me. I made it seem like I was okay, and…I wasn't. I'm still not. I know you were feeling overwhelmed and confused, but I…don't understand why you didn't tell me about her yourself. When I walked in the diner that day, and she was just there, that was…that was the first time that I questioned if you really wanted to marry me."

" _What_?" he said in disbelief.

"Luke, we were _engaged_. We were supposed to get _married_ ," Lorelai said in a pained voice. "I don't know what that meant to you, but to me, it meant that I wanted to share my life with you—the good and the bad. It meant that we were supposed to be there for each other. We were supposed to be _partners_. You found out you were a _dad_ , and you didn't bother to tell me. Then, you made the decision to be in April's life—to build a relationship with her—and you didn't include me in that either. Your choice to hide her from me and to be part of her life without telling—we _weren't_ partners in that."

"I'm…I'm so sorry, Lorelai," he said emphatically. "You have no idea how much I wish I could take that back—make it so that I came to you right away."

"Why didn't you?" she whispered. "I know you said you were confused, but I need more than that."

"I…almost didn't do anything when I first found out about her," he mumbled, a look of surprise crossing Lorelai's face at his answer. "I thought if I just pretended I didn't know—just pretended she hadn't showed up—that everything would go back to the way it was."

"What changed your mind?"

"You did," he admitted, looking up at her as he spoke. "That day you were telling me that Christopher was offering to pay for Yale. I just couldn't stop thinking about how much he missed out on and how…angry it still makes me that he didn't take advantage of getting to really know Rory. I knew then that…I couldn't do that to April."

Lorelai was bewildered at the comparison Luke had drawn. "Do you…you don't think that you're like _Christopher_ , do you?"

Luke let out a deep sigh and rubbed his eyes. "I wasn't _there_ for her," he said firmly.

"Oh, Luke—it's _not_ the same thing."

"That time at your parents' vow renewal, when he was insisting that he was Rory's father, and then I started listing all the things that he had missed out on— _I_ missed out on all those things with April."

"You are _nothing_ like Christopher. He _chose_ not to be in Rory's life. He knew exactly where she was—right from the beginning—and he _chose_ not to be there for her. You didn't _know_ about April. If you had, you would have been there."

"Yeah, how can you be sure?" he asked doubtfully.

"Because, I know _you_ ," Lorelai said emphatically.

"Yeah," he agreed softly. "You do."

"Does this…have anything to do with why you didn't tell me about her?" she asked, her mind still reeling. "Did you think _I_ would think you were like him?"

"I don't know—maybe that was part of it," he answered, still trying to piece together the answer for him self. "I was also just so worried that I'd ruin things—which is ironic because that's exactly what I ended up doing. You were finally okay again—Rory was back and you were…so _happy_. I didn't want to be the reason you weren't. I think, maybe, part of me didn't want to disappoint you either."

"Why would I be disappointed?"

"Because…I was disappointed," Luke admitted. "Geez, that sounds so horrible to say. I love April—you know that. It's not that I regret her or anything like that. It's just—after I found out about her—I kept thinking that it wasn't supposed to be like that. If I was going to have a kid it was supposed to be with… _you_. You're the only person I ever wanted that with. You're the only person I ever even _thought_ about having that with."

"Oh, hun," she breathed.

"That seems…crazy now—because I have April and we're going to have our girl, and it all would have been…fine."

"It's not crazy," Lorelai replied sadly. "I get it. I just…I get it."

"It all sounds so stupid now. Having April—it doesn't change a thing about how much I love and want…" he trailed off, eyes locked on where Lorelai's hand rested over their daughter. "She's _ours_ , and April coming first doesn't change that—it doesn't make our daughter less special."

He moved his hands to readjust his baseball hat, sighing deeply, "I really screwed this all up, didn't I?"

"Luke, it's not all on you," she whispered.

"Yeah, but I'm the one that set everything in motion. I'm the one that hid things from you."

"I did my share of hiding things," Lorelai replied sadly. "I didn't talk to you about any of this either—about how I was feeling. I just…held it all in until I couldn't anymore."

"That night—when you asked me to elope—that wasn't just about me not telling you about April though," he answered knowingly, his voiced laced with guilt.

"No, it wasn't," she conceded.

"I shouldn't have asked you to postpone the wedding," Luke continued, shaking his head in frustration as he analyzed his actions.

"You weren't ready," Lorelai said sadly.

"But I _was_ —I was _more than ready_ to marry you. I've been ready…since before you even asked," he replied. "I was so caught up in my own head that I…just assumed you'd be there when I was done sorting everything out, and I…took you for granted."

He paused before asking, "You…really thought I didn't want to marry you?"

She looked down at her hands before answering, "Sometimes, it was hard to _feel_ like you wanted to when…everything you did said otherwise."

"What else…did I do? That made you feel like that."

Lorelai softened, seeing his pained expression and fearing that it would worsen, she asked, "Are you sure you want me to—"

"Tell me."

"Well," she started. "It was hard, once I did know about April, that you wouldn't let me in. I didn't want to push you, and I _genuinely_ understood that you wanted and needed time to get to know her on your own—but it still hurt when you let everyone meet her but me. It hurt that you couldn't see…that we couldn't really get married if you walled me off from something so important in your life. But I think the worst part was…the birthday party. I don't think I've ever felt so… _disposable_."

"Disposable?" he replied, incredulous.

She nodded, quickly brushing away a tear that had escaped. "You had shut me out and pushed me away for months, and that hurt so much. Despite all that, when you asked for help, I came running because…I wanted you to let me in _so_ _badly_. And then, you just…took it back. Shut me out again when you didn't need me anymore."

"Oh, god, Lorelai—that's…I didn't mean to—"

"I know," she whispered.

"I was so scared that Anna was going to cut me off from her. I should have thought more about what that was doing to you."

"We both messed up. We're both responsible for how we got here. It's not all on you."

"I should have seen this though. You were drowning, and I…completely missed it. I should have seen it," he replied, frustrated with himself.

"I should have _told you_ that's how I was feeling."

Luke's expression shifted as he considered her words. "Why didn't you? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to push you. I was…terrified that you were going to walk away again," she replied, thinking back to their first separation.

"Then, why did _you_ walk away?" he replied, mild agitation entering his voice.

"I was so hurt when…you said no."

"What was I supposed to do though?" he pushed. "Do you have any idea how confused I was? You pulled me out into the street after I don't see you for days, and you start saying all this stuff about it being now or never. You were talking all over the place—you were scaring me. Was I really supposed to agree that we'd go off and elope, right then and there? You seemed like you were…having a nervous breakdown or something. I mean, I wanted to marry you, but that's not exactly how I pictured it happening. Is that really the way _you_ wanted it to happen?

"No," she admitted, not able to meet his eyes. "You're right. That…was completely unfair of me—and I think I would have regretted it if it had happened like that."

"Why did you come to me like that? You don't talk to me for days and then…it seemed like something just set you off."

"Something did," she answered, gathering her strength to tell him what led to that moment. "That night, I had dinner with my parents. Christopher was there too, and my mother had invited this woman, who happened to be a therapist, because she was trying to set her up with Christopher. Needless to say, it didn't go that well. When I was leaving, she was sitting in her car, and I got to talking with her."

Lorelai paused and rubbed her forehead before mumbling, "God, this is embarrassing."

"What happened?" Luke asked softly.

"I ended up sitting in the back of this woman's car and dumping all my problems on her," she replied, adding under her breath, "I probably should have figured out then that I need therapy."

Luke waited patiently for her to continue.

"I told her pretty much everything that I wanted to tell you—how unhappy I was and that…I felt crappy all the time. I told her...how much I wanted to marry you, and that…I didn't think I'd ever really loved anyone before you," Lorelai said, pausing to let her tears fall. "She asked why I wasn't doing anything about it—about how things were between us—and I told her that I was afraid if I pushed you too much, I'd lose you. Then, she asked me—if everything I was saying was true—did I really feel like I had you to begin with."

"Oh, Lorelai," he whispered.

She ignored him and continued, "S-she said this thing about me looking at marriage like a solution to a problem—and she was right. Before you, that's what it was. I mean—I got pregnant at sixteen, so the solution was to get married. Max and I were fighting, and the solution was to get married. But, with you, it wasn't like that. I really _wanted_ to marry you. I wanted to have all that stuff I said before—I wanted a _partner_.

"I felt so certain in that moment that we had to do right then or…we wouldn't make it. When you said no, it just…confirmed everything I'd been feeling up to that point—that you didn't really want to marry me—and that—" Lorelai paused, her tears starting to flow more heavily. "T-that maybe you didn't even really _love_ me."

At that, he wanted more than anything to reach out and hold her.

She cried, "I'm so _sorry_ for coming at you like that. Springing it on you like that—I made it exactly what I was trying to avoid—a solution to a problem. I shouldn't have done that—I should have just talked to you."

"It's okay," he said gently.

"No, it isn't," she insisted, wiping away her tears and trying to calm herself down. "I think…you need to tell me about how it felt when I did that. We've been so focused on me, but I want to know how you felt too."

Luke said nothing at first, dropping his eyes to the floor. A moment later he felt the couch dip as she sat down beside him.

"Please, Luke," she whispered.

Resigned, he exhaled, "I've never…felt like that before—when you walked away. I don't think I even realized right away that's what was happening—that it was really over. I was so angry with you. You didn't even give me a chance to catch up—to understand what was happening. If I'd understood—if you'd told me all of this—I would have done anything to fix it."

"I should have," she agreed softly. "I'm…so sorry."

"I think we're both sorry," Luke replied.

They sat together in shared silence for a while—both trying to process everything they'd finally been able to share.

"I wish I had just said yes," he said finally. "That night. I wish…we were married right now."

Lorelai shook her head softly, "You were right though. We weren't in a good place—it wouldn't have been right to do it like that. All those unsaid things—we would have just walked them into the marriage."

"Yeah," he agreed. "But we would have been together."

"Yeah," she replied sadly. "We would have."

"I miss you," he whispers. "And…I still love you. I know that might not be enough, but…"

Looking over at her, Luke continued, "I want you to know that…if this is all you want—if you just want it to be about Charlie—I can…be okay with that. I can find a way to be okay with that."

"Is that what you want?" she asked softly.

"No," he said in a quiet but firm voice. "That's not what I want—but I can live with that, if you don't feel the same. I meant it when I told you that…there's not going to be anyone else. You're…you're it for me. I need you to be in my life, and…I can accept whatever you need that to look like—even if it's just being here for our daughter."

After a beat, Lorelai whispered, "I need you to promise me something."

"Anything," he said gently.

"I need you to promise me that you're going to stop being so hard on yourself. I've been thinking _a lot_ about something you said a few weeks ago—when you gave me the rocking chair. You said that the baby's going to need me more than you."

"I didn't really mean that," he brushed off.

"But you still said it, and then, tonight, you compared yourself to Christopher. I'm starting to wonder—are you worried…do you somehow think that you're not as good of a parent as me?"

He dropped his eyes, giving Lorelai all the answer she needed.

"Luke, you're a _great_ dad," she insisted.

"Lorelai, you get that you're the most amazing mother I've ever known, right?" he exhaled. "You just make it look so… _easy_. You're so _natural_."

"This is what I'm talking about. You have to stop this," she said emphatically. "You can't measure yourself against me—it doesn't do either of us any good. I'm far from perfect, and, god knows, I've screwed up _a lot_ as a mother—but everyone screws up. Being a parent isn't about perfection. It's about being there for your kid and loving them more than anything. You show up for April, and you show her every day how much you want to be part of her life—and I know you'll do the same with our girl. You _love_ your daughters. That's what matters—that's the _only thing_ that matters."

She said with a firm, but gentle voice, "Please—don't put me on a pedestal. You'll either end up resenting me or be disappointed in me. There are going to be times when you feel overwhelmed or you do the wrong thing with our daughter, and with April, but that's true for me too. For me, I think it helps knowing that, I'm not going to be alone this time—that we're in it together," Lorelai said before pausing. "Right?"

"Of course we are," he whispered.

"So can you promise me? That you'll stop being so hard on yourself?"

"I can promise that I'll _try_ ," he mumbled. "I might…not always do it so well."

"Then…you'll tell me, okay? You'll tell me when you're doubting yourself."

"Yeah," he agreed. "I can do that."

"Good. Okay, then."

He reached over and brushed a stray tear off her cheek with his thumb. "D-does that mean…are we…what does that mean for us?" he finished lamely.

Realizing that words weren't enough, she reached answered him with a kiss.

When she pulled away to look at him, he murmured, "So...does that mean we're okay?"

She smiled softly in return. "It means...this is the beginning of making it okay. Everything isn't okay—there's still a lot we need to work through, but...I want to work through it—if that's what you want too."

"Dear, god, yes," he whispered, as he pulled her back into a kiss.


	15. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suggested Listening: Promise by Mirah

_20 Weeks_

"This is nice," Lorelai remarked, looking away from the TV to look at Luke who gave her a gentle smile in reply. He was nestled comfortably on the sofa, while she rested her head on a pillow in his lap.

After months apart, Lorelai was pleasantly surprised at how easy it had been for them to fall back into their relationship. The past few weeks had felt much like the early days of their relationship—filled with a comfortable familiarity.

Getting to be close to him again, and having him want the same, was something she had so desperately missed—even before the official end of their relationship. Things were by no means perfect, but, for the first time in recent memory, she believed they could be again.

As she turned back to the movie, Lorelai moved her hand to rub her lower abdomen, making a slight grimace as she did.

"You okay?" Luke asked, traces of concern in his voice.

"Yeah—your daughter's just kicking me…or punching. I'm pretty sure it's a foot though."

"How come she's just _my_ daughter when she does that?"

"It's the rule—any violence against the mommy cannot be attributed to the mommy," she said earnestly, reveling in how nice it felt to joke with him again. "I don't make the rules. That's just the way it is."

"Oh, sure," he answered, rolling his eyes and eliciting a wide smile from Lorelai.

"You wanna feel her?" she asked, already reaching to pull his hand down to the spot where she'd had hers just a moment before.

When his daughter pushed back against his hand, Luke mumbled, "I still can't really believe that there's a _person_ in there. It's so…"

"Crazy? Creepy? Cool?" Lorelai supplied.

"Kind of all of the above," he admitted.

"Just wait until she actually comes out. It's pretty much the craziest, creepiest, coolest thing you can imagine."

Luke smiled down at her, continuing to gently play with a strand of her hair as she once again turned her attention back to the movie. "You know, I'm…really glad that I get to be here for this."

"For what?" she said absently, her focus on the TV.

"For this—to feel her kick and all that."

"I'm glad too," Lorelai replied, looking back up at him only to see a cloudy expression covering his face.

When he said nothing else, she sat up and reached for the pause button on the remote, sensing that something was weighing on his mind.

"Babe, what is it?" she asked.

"Nothing—just thinking I guess," he dismissed.

"About April?" Lorelai guessed.

Luke's eyes locked with hers, indicating that she'd assumed correctly. As much as they had talked over the past two weeks, very little of that conversation had focused on April. They had certainly talked about the impact that she'd on their relationship, but they had yet to go much beyond that.

"I'm sorry you missed out on all this with her," she continued, her voice full of empathy.

"It's not fair. You should have been there."

"It's just…weird sometimes, you know? The idea that she was there all this time—being born and growing up—and I missed all of it."

"You didn't know," Lorelai comforted.

"I think…I've just started to realize, especially now, just how much I missed out on—because I'm getting to have it with you, and I'm going to have it with our girl."

"I know nothing's ever going to make up for that time, but…you have to know that you're a great dad. You're there for her now, and that's all that matters," she soothed.

"I'm starting to worry though—that April's going to feel like she's different somehow—because I'm going to be closer with Charlie. I mean I'm going to know her more because…I've been here from the beginning, and I'm going to get to see her every day. I'm going to get to be part of her life in a way that's just not possible with April."

"It might be hard, but you'll make sure that April knows that she's just as important—that you love her just as much."

"Do you think…is it wrong that…I can't even see our daughter yet, and…I already love her, and…with April…it wasn't like that—not right away."

"I don't think it's wrong. I think it's…probably pretty normal. You didn't know about April until she was twelve. It's not weird that it would take you some time to get used to that—to the idea that she's yours. It's…different with Charlie. You found out about her because I told you I was pregnant—which is how most guys find out they're going to be a dad," Lorelai said with a pause. "You know—it's also normal to worry about how this whole situation is going to affect her—that's being a parent."

"You worry about how this is going to affect Rory?" he asked, surprise tinting his voice.

"Of course. I worry that Rory's going to feel it too—that Charlie's getting something from me that she didn't. She's going to see Charlie get to grow up with me _and_ with a dad. But I…also worry about how Rory will affect Charlie."

"What do you mean?" he asked, confused at her meaning.

Lorelai sighed, hesitant to admit what she was thinking, "Rory and I are so close. I was so young when I had her, and I was on my own raising her—and we're bonded in a…very unique way because of that. Things are going to be different this time—and I'm happy about that—but I don't know how much that's going to affect my relationship with Charlie. I've never…had to share my kid with anyone—not really. I sometimes wonder if…I'm not going to be as good at it this time or that somehow…Charlie won't end up feeling as close to me."

"She will," Luke replied with certainty, reaching up to stroke the ends of her hair.

"As certain as you are about that—that's how certain I am that things will be fine with April."

"Ah," he said, seeing the point she was trying to make.

"It's okay if you don't feel it yet—that everything's going to be alright. I don't feel it yet with my stuff."

"So…what do we do in the meantime?"

"Worry," she smiled. "We worry, and we try like hell to make sure they all know we love 'em like crazy. Sometimes that's all you can do."

He reached over to take her hand, and she let him, lacing their fingers together and allowing him to draw gentle circles with his thumb.

"I've been thinking a lot about the stuff I missed out on with April. I wonder what it would have been like to be there—to get to see her born," he mused. "What was it like with Rory?"

"When she was born?" she questioned, continuing when he nodded in reply. "It was…the most intense thing. I mean I loved her before she was born, but when they put her in my arms…it was like it all spilled over or something. I was alone, and then…all of a sudden I wasn't."

Squeezing her hand gently, he murmured, "You shouldn't have been alone."

"Well…I won't be this time," she redirected. "You know, it's actually kind of nice how we fit together. I was alone with Rory, and you didn't even get a chance with April. Somehow it feels like we're both making it up to each other with Charlie—not like a do over—just like…we're both making sure we don't have to go through that again."

"Yeah," he answered, the corners of his mouth turning up into a ghost of a smile.

"You know, you can talk about her—about April I mean," Lorelai said softly. "You can tell me when you're having moments like this. You promised…you'd tell me when you were doubting yourself, remember?"

"I know I should—I'm trying to, but," he said, ducking his head slightly. "I think it still feels like talking about her…hurts you somehow."

"It does a little," she admitted. "But that's not about her and it doesn't mean I want you to avoid talking about her. I think the only way that it'll stop hurting is if you _do_ talk to me. I want you to feel like you can share that part of your life with me—I want to be part of her life too."

"We've never really talked about that—what you want that to look like—being in her life I mean."

"What do you want it to look like?" Lorelai dodged.

"Given our history on the subject, I think this is one of those things that's probably important for you to say first," he said quietly. "I need to know that you're being honest about it and not just agreeing with whatever I say."

"Okay," she paused. "I guess…I just want to know her. I'd like her to feel comfortable around me. I realize I'm not her parent, but I'd like to eventually be someone in her life that she feels like she can come to or rely on. I want her to feel like she's welcome when she's with us."

Luke smiled sadly to himself at her answer.

"What?" she asked gently.

"Nothing—just thinking about how much of an idiot I was."

"Luke—"

"Everything you just said—you know you didn't mention yourself once? Everything was about her and making her feel okay," he sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I'm sorry. I know I promised not to beat myself up so much about this stuff—but it's hard not to sometimes."

Lorelai sat up from where she'd been laying with her head on his lap. "I want to you to feel okay too, you know. I don't ever want you to feel like I'm intruding, but I like the idea of helping you figure things out—helping you talk through things. We're already going to be doing that with Charlie. You don't have to be alone when it comes to April."

"Yeah, I like that idea too," he nodded with a soft smile. "I'm…supposed to have her this weekend—April, I mean—and…I was thinking…you know…if you wanted…that…we could all do something…together."

"Babe, I would… _love_ that," she said earnestly, but her enthusiasm slowly slipped when she considered some of their history on the subject. "Can I ask…how does Anna feel about that? I don't…I don't want to cause problems for you."

"She's fine with it," he said shortly, dropping eye contact as Lorelai shot him a knowing look.

Luke sighed. "She was…not thrilled with the idea—but she didn't say no or anything. I explained that things are different now and that it was important to me that April get to know you. Anna was… _tense_ …when we talked about it, but…I don't think she's actually going to fight it because, well, April's been so excited about seeing you."

"Really?" Lorelai asked in surprise. " _Why_?"

"Well, my guess is that it has something to do with the fact that you're pregnant with her baby sister," he replied, as though the answer was obvious.

"She's excited?" she softened.

"Are you kidding? She's been talking non-stop about it since I told her—sometimes a little too much actually. I know more facts about childbirth than I ever wanted to."

"That's…really sweet."

Luke smiled before adding in a more serious tone, "It's going to be different this time—I promise."

She answered gently, "I know—it already is."


End file.
